Interview with Christine and Neil Hamilton, published in The Spectator by Rich Hobbs

Scotland had the Macbeths and Romania had the Ceausescus. But while Tony

and Cheri made a pretty good stab at it, in the annals of notoriety in British

politics no husband and wife team can compare to the Hamiltons. Or at least it

seemed like that in 1997, when allegations about cash for questions in brown

envelopes catapulted Neil Hamilton, the relatively obscure MP for Tatton, into

the eye of the storm about to overwhelm John Major’s government. The

decision by former BBC correspondent Martin Bell, in his white suit, to stand

as an "Anti-Sleaze" candidate in Tatton drove Hamilton’s wife Christine to

confront him during a press-conference on Knutsford Heath, hurling her into

the maelstrom as well, and they duly enjoyed their 15 minutes of infamy.

However, as I found out when I arranged to meet and draw them both

over lunch at the Gay Hussar Hungarian restaurant in Soho last month, it’s

turned out to be a long 15 minutes. It’s also been pretty harrowing. From

representing the third safest Tory seat in the country, after May 1st 1997

Hamilton was not just unemployed but also, as he conceded when he told me

he was "damaged goods", unemployable too. Then there was his failed libel

action against Mohammed Al Fayed, his subsequent bankruptcy when he

couldn’t meet his legal fees and, probably worst of all, false accusations of

rape which surfaced while the Hamiltons were making a film for the BBC

with Louis Theroux.

However, there’s an added dimension to the Hamiltons’ travails.

Irrespective of whether they deserved it or not, they came to symbolise a

worn-out, failing and increasingly squalid government, to the point where they

took on the role not just of scapegoats, but also as sacrificial lambs. But it was

the nature of the altar on which they were sacrificed which, as a satirist, really

interested me. Shortly after being beaten by Bell at Tatton, Hamilton and his

wife appeared on "Have I Got News For You"and at the end of the show

Angus Deayton handed them their appearance fees in brown envelopes. Thus

was both a political and personal disaster compounded by what had every

appearance of being an almost ritualised level of humiliation, as if our

collective bloodlust wouldn’t be sated until they’d bent the knee and kissed

the rod of Satire, in a warped, showbiz variant on a Stalinist Show Trial. So I

wondered, having volunteered themselves to become a National Joke, why in

God’s name had they done it.

"Look, darling," Christine Hamilton glowered as she settled herself on

the banquet opposite me in the Gay Hussar, next to Neil in his bow tie, and

having kissed me on both cheeks on arrival (even though we’d never met

before), "we were broke. We were both 50, neither of us had a job or any

income, and they paid us a thousand pounds each."

Even so, and even though it ultimately paid off, wasn’t it an incredibly

risky thing to do? Christine insisted that they’d had no real option, so I asked

how it felt to be the object of so much vitriol, made worse through sneering

laughter.

"Actually we both enjoyed the show. I even thought the brown

envelopes bit was rather funny, although Neil didn’t. I’ve been back on the

programme, though for some reason or other they won’t let me host it. To be

honest, I felt rather guilty after I was on another time and Angus had made

some crack about Neil and I said that at least my husband had never taken

cocaine and used call girls, and after that apparently Paul Merton and Ian

Hislop said that Angus really had to go. I feel I should have apologised to him

for bringing that to a head."

If Christine felt guilty, now it was my turn to fess up. I wanted to find

out how they’d felt about being portrayed so relentlessly and mercilessly in

cartoons, not least of all because I was caricaturing them both now.

"Watch it," Christine said. "I’ve been known to tear pages out of

sketchbooks. I mean, after that awful thing that Peter Brookes did!"

All in all, it seemed wise at this point to admit to my role as illustrator

in John Sweeney’s 1998 book about the Tatton election, "Purple Homicide".

Christine and Neil leaned forward intently. "Oh really?" Christine said, her

eyes widening with interest, and smiling rather beautifully. "We haven’t

bothered to read that one," Neil added, also smiling. "Anyway," Christine

continued, "we’ve kissed and made up with Sweeney. He’s even been to our

flat, hasn’t he, darling?" Neil confirmed this, so I asked if there was anyone

they hadn’t kissed and made up with?

"Not Bell. Definitely not Bell, the self-righteous, pompous prig. I

mean, saying meeting me was worse than anything he’d ever encountered in

Bosnia! What a wimp!"

"Anyway," Neil added, "he’s got rather too portly to kiss these days."

"Oh yes! He’s enormous. But we haven’t forgiven Al Fayed either,

although everyone now realises that he’s completely mad!"

This was interesting. Although Neil and Christine Hamilton had been

ground down by the tragic millstones, their assailants hadn’t fared that well

either (the woman who falsely accused them of rape went down for 3 years for

perverting the course of justice). I supposed that this was some kind of

vindication, although Christine responded by saying that you just had to get on

with things, which is what they’d done.

On her official website, Christine writes "I am thrilled to have left the

artificial world of boring old politics for the madcap fun world of the media

and entertainment." I tried pursuing this idea of redemption through showbiz -

which includes the catharsis of Have I Got News For You. "What is this?"

Christine cried, her eyes widening in disbelief at my obvious pseudery, "The

Psychiatrist’s Chair?". As far as she’s concerned, they’ve just been lucky to be

able to move on and have fun. They repeated, in unison, their pitch that they’ll

consider doing anything that’s "legal, honest and faintly decent", which

includes pantos, Christine’s appearance on "I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of

Here!" and their annual shows on the Edinburgh fringe. "None of it’s planned!

We just make it up as we go along!"

The Hamiltons have certainly undergone a remarkable rehabilitation,

from National Jokes almost to National Treasures. You could probably

describe this more accurately as an extraordinary gift for simple survival, so I

suggested that it was all was down to Christine’s natural propensity to go at

life like a bull at a gate. She cut across me, leaning over the table. "No no no,

I’m not a bull at a gate. I’m more like an over friendly labrador who just

bounds up to people and starts licking them. I just can’t help it."

I got the impression that Neil relishes the showbiz life less than his

wife. He was once a serious politician, albeit with some pretty unsavoury

views and whose behaviour may or may not have contributed to his own

political destruction. Either way (and though I contributed gleefully to his

harrying) he never started any illegal wars, and what he was alleged to have

done now seems disproportionate to the volume of bile it brought down on his

head, and his wife’s. And yet, like Christine, there’s a fatalism to Neil

Hamilton: he happily admitted that his misfortune was to provide the kind of

scapegoat the political Zeitgeist demanded at the time.

Not that I particularly liked him. There’s still too much of the debating

society smart arse about him, endlessly spouting one liners of varying levels

of wittiness ("Oh shut up, Neil!"). But that’s hardly a crime, and anyway, by

now I was beginning to fall helplessly in love with his wife. Although dubbed

a battleaxe by the media through no real fault of her own - beyond loyalty -

she then played the hand she’d been dealt, and won through. So unless she’s

the most brilliantly duplicitous media manipulator in history, which I doubt,

she may really be the pussycat she nervously admits to being on her website.

It was now time to show them my drawing. Neil, maintaining the

politician’s instinctive impermeability to insult, chuckled and signed it with a

throwaway line about having a sense of humour. Christine, however, shut up

completely, for more or less the first time during the interview. She frowned.

She twisted her mouth into an uneasy moue. "But my jacket isn’t the right

colour... this earring is a cat, and it doesn’t look like that..." Then she asked

Neil, several times, what she should write.

In fact, she agonised for a full 15 minutes over what was, for me, a

remarkably flattering portrait. While she was prevaricating, I asked once again

what it was like to have been demonised to the extent she had been.

"I now realise that that confrontation on Knutsford Heath was the

making of me."

Yes yes yes, but people were comparing her to Messalina and Lady

Macbeth!

"Well, to be honest, when I saw myself on television afterwards and

saw how dreadful I looked I cried and cried."

So what was it like to see yourself in all those cartoons?

"Oh, Neil wouldn’t let me see them."

Which wasn’t just kind, but also rather admirable. My estimation of

Neil Hamilton rising considerably, Christine finally, with a yelp, found her

form of words to write on the cartoon: "Just you wait til I get you in a dark

alley!"

To be honest I can’t think of anything nicer.

On George Bush, for Guardian’s Comment Is Free website by Rich Hobbs

In 2004 the re-election of George Bush filled almost every atom of my being

with dismay, despair, fear, loathing and disgust, at what this implied about the

future of America and the World. I say almost every atom, because deep down

in my reptile brain, the cartoonist in me knew that four years of Dubya could

never be enough.

This highlights several of the fundamental contradictions contained within

satirists. Obviously, if our satire worked and all those bastards we lampoon

just stopped, the world would be a perfect place, we’d have nothing left to

satirise and I’d be painting kittens in teacups, probably on velvet. But worse

than that, quite often cartoonists get caught in a kind of satirical Stockholm

Syndrome, where we come to love the things we seek to destroy. In other

words, Bush was just a joy to draw.

Infuriatingly, Steve Bell established the Bush-as-chimp shtik before any of the

rest of us, and it’s considered bad form to nick other cartoonist’s tricks. Even

so, George Bush still offered more than any caricaturist could dream possible:

there’s the eyebrows writhing round his crinkled forehead like demented

chinchillas, and beneath them eyes so close together they seem in constant

danger of fusing into cylopsism; then there’s the mouth, offering either a

dumb, Mad Magazine shit-eating grin or elongating into a truly simian pant

hoot as he tried to articulate human speech. Add to that his pointy ears and

flattened, beaky nose, and even if he’d been a Nobel Peace laureate of

impeccable liberal credentials, we’d still have loved drawing and stretching

every single feature.

As it is, taking the piss out of the way he looks (which he can’t, after all, do

much about) was more than justified by the way he behaved, demonising and

often seeking to criminalise all opposition in the name of "Freedom" while

pursuing the violent export of free-market democracy (just tell ‘em about it in

Florida) and wallowing in a heady mixture of incompetence, incomprehension

and mawkish militarism. And all of this heading up an administration which

showed every sign of being run by the Corleone family, but where they’d

picked Fredo as Godfather instead of Michael.

Cartooning is a kind of voodoo. Using caricature and all the other weapons in

our armoury, the point is to damage someone at a distance with a sharp object,

albeit in this case with a pen. I don’t know if the way Bush got drawn ever

effected him personally, but I know from my email inbox that it annoyed

thousands of his supporters in America. The flip side of that - and the real

point of satire - is that portraying him as a gurning stumblebum might just

possibly have given some comfort, through laughter, to everyone else.

Bush’s second term witnessed the total discrediting of everything he stood for

as it collapsed into abject failure, so it wasn’t just all about keeping me

chuckling over my drawing board. But either way, while honing up on

McCain and Obama, in preparation for the delivery of fresh meat, I’m still

going to miss him.

On being Ken Livingstone’s Cartoonist Laureate for London, published on the Professional Cartoonists’ Organisations website by Rich Hobbs

On being Ken Livingstone’s Cartoonist Laureate for London, published on the

Professional Cartoonists’ Organisations website, May 2008

I suppose that Ken Livingstone’s defeat by Boris Johnson means that I’m no

longer the Official Cartoonist Laureate to the Mayor of London, although I’m

not quite sure. Somewhere in the bowels of City Hall, the Great Glass testicle

by the Thames, there is a contract, drawn up between the Mayor’s office and

me,although I can’t now remember what most of the term are, and if any of

Ken’s successors retain the option to keep my services.

This is pretty academic anyway, because Livingstone hasn’t actually paid me

for the last five years, so is therefore, ipso facto, in breach of contract. Let me

explain.

In the 1990s, when Ken Livingstone was languishing in the political

wilderness, I was wearing one of my many other hats by serving on the

Council of the Zoological Society of London, and we happened to have a

casual vacancy on Council after one of my colleagues resigned for reasons

now both forgotten and, as far as we’re concerned here, irrelevant. ZSL, which

runs London Zoo and Whipsnade Wild Animal Park, was founded in 1826 by

Sir Stamford Raffles, and so has various mechanisms in place to meet

contingencies like these, including remaining Council Members nominating

candidates of their own choosing. As with any organisation, cliques emerge,

and a member of the clique I was in was the then director of Chester Zoo, who

hated another Council member who, by the time of the meeting when we had

to fill the vacancy, been the only person so far to nominate a candidate.

However, I’d long since learned that the secret of politics is preparation, and

so I’d been beavering away behind the scenes to snooker this candidate. To

this end, through a contact on Tribune, I’d already phoned Ken and, on the

basis that he’d unsuccessfully applied, aged 19, for a job at the Zoo, asked him

if he wanted to become a member of the ZSL Council. He agreed, and after

the hated Council member put forward his man, I then sprung my trap, and

suggested Ken. In a classic pincer movement, my man from Chester sang

Ken’s praises, and after we’d adjourned to elect him to the fellowship of ZSL

(a prerequisite of Council membership), Ken was duly appointed by

acclamation.

I’ve told you all that merely to demonstrate that low politics operates

throughout society, and Ken Livingstone, no mean street fighter himself, was

thus the beneficiary of a classic blocking tactic. Happily, he also turned out to

be an extremely good committee member, and was ultimately rewarded by

being appointed as a vice-president of the Zoological Society, at a time when

no one in New Labour was even speaking to him.

Thus laden in honours, a year or so later it fell to him to act out one of the

most bizarre performances of his political life, when Margaret Thatcher was

invited to a grand banquet marking the opening of the Zoo’s new Millennium

Invertebrate House. I wangled a ticket to this prestigious event by promising

to draw both Thatcher and Ken on the same piece of paper, and getting them

both to sign it. This I duly did, along with another cartoon of Thatcher which I

also drew from the life and got her to sign. (For the record, this caricature

made Holbein’s portrait of Anne of Cleves look like something by Francis

Bacon; even so, Thatcher wrote "I don’t recognise me" under her signature,

after she’s said to me "Couldn’t you have been kinder?" It was only on bus

home that I thought up the snappy riposte, "Couldn’t YOU have?")

Anyway, as a vice president, it was Ken’s role to reply to Thatcher’s speech. I

was sitting at his table, and had watched with some alarm as he’s necked

several bottles of white wine over dinner. Nonetheless, when his time came he

stood up and made one of the most brilliant and passionate impromptu

speeches about conservation I’ve ever heard. Then, with tears of pure alcohol

welling up in his eyes, he turned to Thatcher at the other end of the room,

raised his glass and nasally intoned, "Baroness, I salute you." It was only after

he’s sat down and poured himself another, well-earned drink that I leaned over

to him and suggested, if he got elected as mayor, he should appoint me as his

cartoonist laureate, so I could follow him everywhere and, like a slave in

ancient Rome standing behind a conquering hero on his triumph, whisper in

his ear "Stop Looking so fucking smug!" Weirdly enough, he agreed.

It was, I now freely admit, a joke. It was also a joke to remind Ken of his

promise every time we met, and it remained a joke, after he was elected mayor

in 2000, to browbeat one of his policy wonks at a party about his boss’s failure

to keep his promises. However, jokes are dangerous things, and a few days

after the encounter with the wonk I got a call from Ken himself, saying we

were going ahead, and that I was duly appointed as the Cartoonist Laureate for

London.

The terms of the contract were pretty straightforward. I would provide

drawings of the Mayor or events involving him, the GLA and the

administration of London, in return for one pint of London Pride ale per year.

This, I stipulated, had to be bought by the Mayor with his own money over the

bar of a public house during licencing hours. And that was more or less it.

At the time of my appointment in 2001, I got a great deal of press attention,

mostly because neither the mayor nor the GLA had actually got round to

doing anything else by that stage. I did a lot of interviews, usually

congratulating Ken on his bravery in inviting a cartoonist into his tent, but

insisting that although I may previously have been on the outside pissing in, I

intended to continue pissing like fury once inside. So this end I regularly

attended Mayor’s question time, in the temporary GLA HQ in Victoria, and

drew lots and lots of nasty pictures of Ken, the members of the GLA, his

transport supremo and anyone else in view. I also got invited to attend the

opening of the new City Hall by the Queen, and produced what I think was my

finest cartoon in the job, of "Red, White and Blue Ken" rolling his tongue out

as a red carpet for the Queen to process down, with the Duke of Edinburgh

behind her telling her to avoid any low walls (this was after an altercation

involving Ken, his partner, an Evening Standard hack and a low wall at a party

which the hack fell over, suffering some considerable amount of injury).

I think I fulfilled my side of the contract reasonable well for a couple of years,

and was bought two pints by Ken in the summer of 2003, both in arrears. I

also started working for his answer to the Evening Standard, "The Londoner",

although this was less fun. True, they paid me real money as opposed to beer,

but I also had to contend with a politburo of bureaucrats and lawyers, whose

sole job, it seemed to me, was to vet my work in order to remove every last

trace of humour from anything I did. I was also told that the mayor wished not

to be included in any of my Londoner cartoons, as he felt this was playing into

the hands of his critics and their accusations of egomania and self-promotion.

Irony in all its manifestations thus being slowly strangled on all fronts, I

stopped going to Mayor’s Question Time early in 2004, around the time of my

parents’ deaths, and never really went again. In the short term, I had other

things on my mind, but in the long term I was aware that I wasn’t being paid

according to my contract. Now and again, to be sure, I’d remind Ken of his

outstanding debt to me, and he assured me that he’d sort something out, but by

then maybe he, too, had other things on his mind, and although he scrawled in

his Christmas card to me in 2007 that he owed me five pints by now, I never

saw a drop.

This didn’t stop me voting for him, just drawing him. And I still churned out

stuff for The Londoner up until February 2008, which you can see on the GLA

website. One of Boris Johnson’s few palpable election promises was to scrap

the paper, but even that wouldn’t make me vote for him.

I’ll ‘fess up and say that I admire Ken Livingstone probably more than any

other politician I can think of. His bravery in thwarting New Labour was a

beautiful and inspiring thing, and both the Congestion Charge and the

pedestrianisation of the North of Trafalgar Square were enormously brave too,

in the latter case because nobody had been able to make a decision to do this

for SIXTY years. But I hope that that admiration didn’t constrain me from

taking the piss when so inclined, even if, as things turned out, the beer that

might have provided the piss dried up rather sooner than I’d hoped.

And as every workman is worthy of his hire, if Boris comes up with the

goods, I’m more than happy to drink his beer and piss on him too. I await the

call.

On Offence, for Index on Censorship, published by Rich Hobbs

Offence, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.

And so we all know that taking offence is an entirely subjective

business, for the simple reason that we’re all different. For different reasons

we have different values, with higher or lower thresholds of tolerance

accordingly. That in itself is often a source of regret for many people who

believe that there’s a whole range of human activities or opinions which

should be either protected or forbidden because of their capacity to give or

take offence. Nonetheless, they can comfort themselves that at least some

human activities or opinions are held to be universally offensive. This is

because an overwhelming consensus has developed which judges that things

like cannibalism, incest, paedophilia, necrophilia or coprophagia are so

beyond the spectrum of acceptable behaviour that it’s not just offensive to

engage in or advocate these vile practices; it’s offensive even to mention

them.

That’s the power of offence. It’s about taboos; it’s about respecting or

transgressing that deep yet vague common notion of what’s right and wrong,

the kind of ur-morality we all sort of recognise even though, like Milton’s

description of God, it’s also a recognition of something which is unperceived

but understood.

But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t individuals or even whole

societies or cultures which enthusiastically embrace cannibalism, incest,

paedophilia or coprophagia. In his play "Jumpers" Tom Stoppard has his hero,

the philosopher George Moore, reflect that in some societies they venerate

their parents by eating them, while in others the veneration is displayed by

buying them a small cottage in the Home Counties. Even so, many people

would be deeply offended by the suggestion that there are clearly elements of

cannibalism in the Christian celebration of the Eucharist, and they might be

even more offended if it was pointed out to them that the epidemic of the

disease kuru among the Fore people of Papua New Guinea - a form of

spongiform encephalopathy similar to CJD, transmitted by prions as a

consequence of the Fore’s cannibalistic funeral practices - only appeared in

the 1950s after the tribe had been converted to Christianity. Failing to grasp

the nuances of the new theology, the Fore started scoffing their dead parents’

brains in their own, twisted interpretation of the Last Supper.

Likewise, incest was central to the dynastic politics of the Egyptian,

Persian, Roman and Ottoman empires, in order to keep the blood line pure.

Paedophilia, or at least the way we define it today, flourished in the Ancient

and Islamic worlds and continues, consensually if furtively, among children

themselves. Necrophilia and coprophagia, on the other hand, remain minority

enthusiasms, almost always as an adjunct to deeply offensive sexual

perversions. That said, there’s a widespread myth about Frank Zappa which

claims that at a gig one night, he called on members of his audience to join

him up front and do the most repulsively offensive thing they could imagine,

and he promised to outdo them. A young woman duly accepted the offer, and

came up and shat on the stage. Zappa then ate the shit.

This takes us to the heart of the matter. Offence, both given and

received, hinges on the dynamic conflict between different values, held by

different cultures, groups, individuals or generations. We all delineate and

define our lives with large and small taboos, and it’s the transgression of those

taboos which offends us. But in the endless series of dialectical struggles

which operate throughout human existence, from the domestic to the global,

the transgression of your enemy’s taboos is probably the most potent weapon

available in your armoury. Moreover, because the taboos themselves are

frequently the apparently irrational results of ancient and now obscure social

or cultural conditioning, their power lies in their mystery: the taboos are, in

practice, part of a deep, dark magic which you defy at your peril. But for that

very reason, transgressing the taboos has an equal or even greater potency,

both in damaging your opponent and asserting your power over them. But of

course, because this is a dynamic process, once the old taboos are torn down,

new ones come to replace them, and the potential to give and take offence

ratchets upwards and ever onwards.

Forty years ago, the older generation was deeply offended by the hair-styles,

dress sense, politics and sexual licentiousness of their children; the children, in

giving offence, were demonstrating how deeply offended they were by their

parents’ rigidity, complacency, cowardice and conservatism. A mother’s deep

offence at her daughter’s miniskirt was just as likely to be matched by the

daughter’s deep offence at her mother’s fur coat.

(Note, for a moment, the dimensions of offence. It’s invariably deep,

and never wide, or long, or thick. This always pertains, even when the

offenders are themselves offended by the shallowness of the issue over which

the offended have taken offence.)

Similarly, most people, myself included, are now deeply offended by

racism, and a belated recognition of the monstrous crimes committed in its

name has resulted in racism, in public at least, in being one of the dominant

taboos of Western Society. And yet 100 years ago racism was in the

mainstream of European cultural philosophy, and in private and in practice it

maintains a powerful if vestigial virulency. But however half-hearted

Establishment sponsorship of racism as a taboo may be, these days the onus

for taking offence lies with the anti-racists. Until very recently, things were

the other way round.

Forty-five years ago, when my mother was fostering babies prior to

their adoption (because the circumstances of their births meant they’d broken

the taboo against illegitimacy, just as their mothers had broken the taboo

against sex outside marriage) one day she was wheeling one the foster babies

down the road in his pram when she met a friend of hers who, on seeing that

the baby was black, turned it on its stomach to avoid the possibility of giving

offence to anyone who might imagine that my mother was guilty of breaking

the taboo against miscegenation. Thirty years earlier, when racism was still

respectable, a German brownshirt went to see a Marx Brothers movie in

Berlin, before the Nazis banned all such films, and laughed and laughed and

laughed. However, on leaving the cinema, someone told him that the Marx

Brothers were Jewish, and he immediately went to demand his money back,

having been deeply offended at being misled into watching a film featuring

members of a race whose very existence he found offensive.

Sixty years later, the stand-up comic and conjurer Jerry Sadowitz was

waiting in the wings at a charity comedy gig when a fellow comedian made a

bet with him that he wouldn’t dare crack a joke about Nelson Mandela.

Mandela’s status as a champion in the struggle against apartheid has

effectively rendered any criticism of him a taboo in itself, but undeterred

Sadowitz went on, grabbed the microphone and yelled "That Nelson Mandela:

what a cunt!" When the uproar that ensued - a mixture of shocked laughter and

howls of protest - finally died down, Sadowitz continued, "The bastard owes

me five quid".

Personally, I align myself with anyone who finds each or all of those

examples of racism in action offensive. However, each offense is different,

both in practice and purpose. My mother’s friend was mostly guilty simply of

thoughtlessness, even though this kind of complacency in the face of

convention and conformity can often prove to be deadly. The brownshirt, on

the other hand, was more personally culpable, because the source of his

offence (and his offensive behaviour) lay in his own politics. But because the

dialectics of politics are just as littered with supposedly inviolable taboos as

any other area of human interaction, respect for or transgression of those

taboos is an integral part of politics. And so, accordingly, is being both

offended and offensive. Nor should we doubt the genuine nature of the offense

taken by the brownshirt: it’s just that he was madly, murderously and, well,

offensively wrong.

Sadowitz, however, presents us with something altogether different: unlike in

the other two cases, he wasn’t being offensive in retaliation for having been

himself offended. He was trying to be funny. In other words, he was just

having a laugh.

I’ve believed for a long time that humour is a hardwired evolutionary survival

tool. Given our species’ capacity for cognition, we recognise many things

about our individual existence - including the inevitability of its ending - that

would drive us mad and have us all screaming in existential terror from the

cradle to the grave if we couldn’t laugh at them. That’s why we laugh at death,

sex, other people or, for that matter, the noise made by all this disgusting stuff

that pours out of our bodies on a daily basis, the sound of defecation providing

evidence of a kind of bedrock of humour present in human beings. After all,

one of the first things babies laugh at is when you blow a raspberry at them.

Humour is infinitely more complex and sophisticated than that

predicating PHWSSSSST! suggests, although integral to it is that it isn’t and

shouldn’t be treated as if it were. We all know that if you analysis a joke you

disable its potency, because it stops being funny. That said, we use humour in

a vast variety of ways: to diffuse tension, defuse potentially dangerous

encounters, reinforce our sense of ourselves and our control the world around

us. Thus humour can be used both aggressively and defensively, typified best

by the difference between an Irish and a Jewish joke. The purpose of the Irish

joke is aggressive, to mock the other; the Jewish joke, on the other hand,

mocks the teller, but by using humour to reinforce the teller’s status and power

through inverted mockery. In other words, if I can laugh at myself and my

misfortune as a defence strategy, I’ve taken control of both myself and a

dynamic in which you were previously mocking me aggressively in order to

exert your control over me. Which, in turn, means there is a chasm of

difference between the same joke told by different people, a nuance we

probably all understand without having to be told.

By the same token, it’s a common response to appalling events to tell

jokes about them. Jokes about Biafra in the 1960s were retold about

Bangladesh in the early 70s, and then told again about Ethiopia in the 1980s.

When Princess Diana was killed in 1997, famously there was a "national

outpouring of grief", a spontaneous and collective phenomenon that obsessed

the media just as much as Diana’s death itself. What wasn’t noticed, however,

was the simultaneous outpouring of sick jokes: the difference being that the

emoting was public, while the jokes, often told by the same people who’d

been weeping in the streets, were told - either in the pub or round the office

water cooler - in relatively privacy.

That in itself is another dimension of how we use humour: it both

presumes and creates an intimacy. There are a wealth of good reasons why

people advertising for sexual partners in the Lonely Hearts Columns are often

more concerned in getting someone with a Good Sense Of Humour than a stud

of enormous sexual prowess who doesn’t get a joke. In the most reductionist

genetic terms, a capacity to laugh at the changing vicissitudes of life suggests

a greater adaptability, and therefore survivability. But we shouldn’t forget

what happens when we laugh: we release all those lovely endorphins, the

mood altering hormones our bodies have evolved to produce to modify our

behaviour to ensure survivability as well, and which quite simply make us feel

better. So it follows that someone who makes you laugh makes you feel good,

so you want to associate with them, whether by seeking to have sex with them

or paying good money to go to a Comedy Club.

A Good Sense of Humour is, therefore, a vital social tool. When I was

at school in the 1970s, we all knew that there were certain boys whose social

skills were either unformed or congenitally absent, so they’d recite entire

Monty Python sketches to make us think they had a sense of humour so we’d

like them. In his book "The God Delusion", Professor Richard Dawkins

repeatedly invokes his dead friend Douglas Adams, author of "The Hitch-

Hikers Guide to the Galaxy", for the same reason.

And in 2003 I presented Michael Foot with a cartoon to celebrate his

90th birthday at The Gay Hussar Restaurant in Soho, and afterwards I was

standing out on Greek Street talking to a photographer who then asked me for

my contact details. As I don’t have a business card, I was writing down my

email address in my sketch book, when Alastair Campbell, Tony Blair’s

Director of Communications, came out of the restaurant and immediately

started shouted at me, "Isn’t that fucking typical? Martin fucking Rowson

writing fucking autographs!" When I protested that I was doing nothing of the

kind, he went on "‘Course you are, you fucking wanker! You fucking love it!"

The point of repeating this story is not to demonstrate once more that

Campbell is a foul-mouthed bully, but because I realised almost instantly that

he was trying to be funny. True, it was more Derek and Clive than Dorothy

Parker, but we play we the cards we’re dealt, and Campbell’s coarseness

doesn’t obviate the fact that, in his heart of hearts, he just wanted me to love

him.

Or maybe he wanted me to hate him. Either way, his brutal joviality

was intended to elicit some kind of response, both of them equally potent in

altering my mood, so he was using either aggression or humour in a standard

attempt both to control me and either reinforce or welcome me into some kind

of intimacy with him. It probably says more about me than about him that I

chose to laugh. But I could, just as easily, have taken deep offence, despite the

fact that his true intention may indeed have been to make me laugh.

Objectively, the same could be said of any joke, even if its purpose is

to charm and disarm. Objectively, it doesn’t matter whether it’s a Jew or a

non-Jew telling a Jewish joke, if you find all jokes about Jews offensive.

Likewise, a gauche and gawky schoolboy could, in reciting Monty Python’s

Parrot Shop sketch, unexpectedly find himself in deep water if he unwittingly

performed his shtik in front of a particularly touchy and recently bereaved

parrot owner. And although the Diana jokes fulfilled a social and

psychological function in both releasing tension and reinforcing social bonds

just as much as the public displays of grief, there were many people who

would have been deeply offended by any mention of Diana which ventured

beyond the reverential and the mawkish. I discovered this to my cost at the

time.

II

It’s my job, as a satirical cartoonist, to give offence. But I need immediately to

qualify that statement. I see my job as giving targeted offence, because satire,

like H.L. Mencken’s definition of journalism, is about comforting the afflicted

and afflicting the comfortable. In other words, if I draw rude pictures of

people less powerful than me, what I do ceases to be satire, and creeps into

one of the wider spheres of aggressive, bullying humour and into areas which

I, personally, consider to be offensive.

So, although I’m inclined to think that the non-satirist’s standard

definition of satire as "puncturing pomposity" is one of the most pompous

phrases in the English language, I buy into it. This is because the urge to mock

our social or political betters is something else hardwired into us, to stop us

going mad at the injustice of them being held to be superior to us in the first

place. Indeed, it’s been argued by several anthropologists that early humans,

unlike other social primates, lived in largely egalitarian groups, mostly as a

result of the equal division of labour between the genders involved in hunting

and gathering, but where the status quo was maintained by physically weaker

individuals forming alliances against the strong and keeping them in their

place through mockery. It was only later, once agriculture obliged us to live in

settled communities, that the strong seized the opportunity to impose their will

and power on the rest of us, thus reverting human beings back to the condition

of baboons.

Perhaps because of this ancient race memory, mockery of the powerful

is as ubiquitous as humour itself. In political tyrannies, tolerance of the public

expression of this kind of mockery is extremely limited, and bolstered by

thousands of years of cultural conditioning, itself reinforced by the creation of

taboos like blasphemy or lese majeste (which are themselves closely linked

and often interchangeable). Even in less oppressive political circumstances,

these taboos endure. To return for a moment to Diana, you can see in both the

tragic and comic responses to her death the interplay of respecting and

transgressing both political and religious taboos: on the religious side, there

was the death taboo, as well as a kind of attenuated blasphemy when

discussing a woman who had been elevated, by both the media and herself, to

the status of a lay goddess; and on the political side, the instinctive deference

to royalty and, in its way, a trace of the divine right of kings provided other

taboos even though, ironically enough, the death of Diana threatened, for a

short period, to destabilise the Monarchy itself.

Although this whole seething compost of grief, death, religion and

politics was riddled with irony, the public recognition of those ironies became

a fresh taboo, and not for the first (or last) time it was confidently stated that

Diana’s death was a catastrophe so great that, once more, Satire (like Diana)

Was Dead. This meant that almost everything had a heightened capacity to

give offence.The post-Diana edition of "Private Eye" contained lengthy satires

on the media response to her death, and was pulled from the shelves of

W.H.Smith’s and many other outlets. The cartoons I and my colleagues drew

during this time were subject to much greater editorial scrutiny than usual

because of the fear they might give offence, and I actually had a cartoon

pulled by The Independent on Sunday from its edition the day after Diana’s

funeral. Significantly enough, it had nothing to do with Diana, but instead was

the latest in a series of cartoons I produce for the Sindy’s books pages. This

one was about the recently deceased American writer William Burroughs,

famous for his cut-up technique of writing, and it showed his relatives sitting

in a lawyer’s office listening to the reading of his will. They were each

holding badly wrapped body parts, and one relative was saying "I’m pleased

to see that Uncle Bill stuck with his cut-up technique to the end". The fact that

the cartoon wasn’t published was clearly because it was about the wrong

death. It was several weeks before I felt I could get away with an even mildly

satirical treatment of the whole Diana Death phenomenon, in a cartoon for

Time Out of The New Britain, In Touch With Its Emotions, which showed

two tramps sitting in cardboard boxes in Kensington Gardens and wearing

smiley masks. One tramp was saying to the other: "Y’know, I’m getting sick

of eating flowers." By that stage the intensity of national emotion was

beginning to dissipate, so I only got a few complaints, but Diana maintains her

strange juju power as both manufactured and spontaneous icon, and the only

reason I drew a cartoon to mark the 10th anniversary of her death, showing her

holed up in a bar in Valparaiso with Mother Teresa of Calcutta, wondering

whether she should let Charles in on the joke yet, was because it still had the

potential to shock, offend and, therefore, make people laugh.

In Britain, satirists and cartoonists have enjoyed this licence to saying

the unsayable for centuries, mostly thanks to the new political dispensation

that followed on from the Glorious Revolution of 1688, and the Government’s

failure to renew the Censorship Laws in 1695. The nascent democracy the

Revolution produced was based on the idea of religious tolerance (except for

Catholics, widely seen as potential terrorists bent on the overthrow of the

State), itself a response to the failure of imposing religious orthodoxy which

had resulted in the Civil Wars of the 1640s and 50s and the deaths of a tenth

of the population of the British Isles. In other words, the various warring

parties agreed that, although they’d continue hating each other, they’d no

longer kill each other. Thus they channelled their hatred elsewhere, into the

party system, an irresponsible press and satire. John Locke and his followers

may well have thought that they were ushering in an Age of Reason, but 1688

also spawned a mushrooming of public satire, with Pope, Swift and Hogarth,

all the way through to Gillray, which ran like a sewer beneath the

Enlightenment. And it was tolerated because, in this new, experimental,

pluralist society, it worked. In the 1780s, the French Ambassador to the Court

of St James reported back to Versailles that he genuinely believed that

England was on the verge of a revolution, on the basis of the truly offensive

cartoons of the Royal Family freely and publically available from the

hundreds of print shops throughout London. But it was, of course, France that

had the revolution, where the mockery and satire were repressed, unlicenced

or private, and where the pressure cooker of resentment finally exploded.

So, while it may be my job to give offence, and for my part I choose to

target that offence at the powerful rather than the powerless, in practice the

whole enterprise is almost ritualistic because satire and satirical cartoons have

been established as a valid part of British political discourse for over 300

years. Moreover, the standard template for political cartoons - the caricaturing

of real people into an alternative, shape-shifted reality, where they act out a

narrative of the cartoonist’s devising - was concreted in by James Gillray 230

years ago and has remained completely unchanged ever since. But in some

ways, despite its status as a semi-detached part of what used to be called The

Establishment, visual satire also exists in the same realm as taboo: it’s about

deep, dark magic, and not just because caricature can be described as a type of

voodoo, doing damage to someone at a distance with a sharp object, albeit in

this case with a pen. It’s also concerned with control, like all visual art. By

recreating the observable or imagined world, that world is synthesised through

a human mind, and therefore is tamed through its recreation, in the same way

as the mysteries of human experience are harnessed, recreated and controlled

by theatre and literature. It’s an often repeated cliche that when so-called

primitive people first encountered cameras, they believed that their souls were

being stolen when their picture was "taken"; the same is true of caricature,

inasmuch as one of the defining factors of an individual - their physical

appearance - is appropriated by the cartoonist, and distorted so that the victim

is changed and altered into something else, far more than simply a

combination of lines on a piece of paper. Alastair Campbell, once again,

proved the point several years ago when I drew him from the life as part of a

project I was involved with to caricature the more celebrated patrons of the

aforementioned Gay Hussar restaurant in Soho. He clearly hated the whole

thing, and unlike my other sitters, instead of getting on with his lunch he sat

glowering at me, and at one point shouted across the restaurant "You just

won’t be able to stop yourself from making me look like a really bad person!"

(I replied that I draw what I see.) However, the notion that I was, in some

mysterious way, stealing Campbell’s soul, or at the very least wresting control

from him, was confirmed when I presented him with the drawing for him to

sign as a true record of himself over the course of his lunch. What he did was

fascinating, because he instantly clawed back control - over his soul as much

as anything else - by saying "This is a good picture of [Jeremy] Paxman. Now

where the fuck’s the one of me?" In other words, he denied the power of my

dark magic; by insisting it didn’t look like him, he was claiming the caricature

had failed to "capture" him (even though it was just a picture), and thereby

disabled the voodoo.

He was right to do so, as all these words like "taken" or "capture"

confirm. Being caricatured is a transgressive as well as an aggressive act,

which is why it’s central to political cartooning. Consequently, it’s the

caricatural dimension of a cartoon which has the potential to give most

offence. To give a further example of this, a couple of decades ago I had a

dismal gig at a youth festival the Royal Shakespeare Company was putting on

in Stratford-on-Avon, and one night as I was leaving the Dirty Duck pub

through the restaurant I was called over to a table by about a dozen or so

young actors, all of whom insisted that I draw them then and there. I did so, in

exchange for drink, and finally got back to my guest house at about three in

the morning. The following lunchtime I returned to the pub, shakily in search

of a hair of the dog, but when I finally caught the attention of the landlady she

leaned across the bar, grabbed me forcefully by the shoulder and said "Listen,

if you come in here with your sketchpad again, you’re not to draw them

however much they ask. I’ve had them in tears in here this morning, and it’s

more than I can cope with." Even though, on this occasion, I’d intended no

malice in my caricatures, there remains something inescapably malicious

about the whole process of caricature, be it a nose too long here or a chin too

weak there. Again, I put this down to the voodoo, the fact that one person’s

appearance is filtered through the consciousness of another, and thereby, in

some way, stolen.

Politicians recognise this, while also recognising the established role of

cartoons as part of the political discourse, even if it is a ceaseless re-echo of

the ancient, primitive and primal politics of our early ancestors mocking

putative tyrants in the tribe. By and large they tend to laugh off - even if they

don’t laugh at - cartoons of themselves, and maybe even be flattered that

they’re sufficiently interesting or important enough to grab the cartoonists’

attention; but often they’ll also buy the original artwork, which they invariably

hung up on their toilet wall. In other words, through a psychological proximity

they’re able to flush away the bad magic of the cartoon along with the rest of

the shit, and thus neutralise the offence both given and taken.

And the idea of giving offence is integral to the medium. A cartoon

which isn’t knocking copy becomes merely propaganda, in that strange

reverse transubstantiation that likewise renders a joke which isn’t laughing at

misfortune unfunny. Even when a political cartoon draws back from being

deliberately offensive, the ballast the medium brings with it will outweigh the

cartoonist’s intention. On 11th September 2001, I was planning to draw a

cartoon for the next day’s Scotsman about Tony Blair visiting the TUC

Conference in Brighton, when I heard the news that the first plane had struck

the World Trade Centre. I then watch the second plane hit the second tower on

TV, and spent the rest of the afternoon staring at a blank sheet of paper,

wondering how on earth I was meant, as a cartoonist, to respond to the violent

and terrible deaths of 3000 people. I ended up producing a cartoon of a

monstrous cloud, shaped like a skull, billowing out from Lower Manhattan

about to snuff out the torch held by the Statue of Liberty, and then phoned my

editor to apologise for the cartoon being meaningless and senseless, and he

replied that meaninglessness and senselessness were more or less the mood

they were after. Nonetheless, the next day the paper received several

complaints because they’d published a cartoon at all. Irrespective of its

content, the space on the page carried the subliminal message to the readers

that this was a cartoon, and therefore funny, and therefore offensive. Other

cartoonists fared far worse than me, having their work pulled or, in one

instance, being told to cover another topic (there were no other topics). It

seems that although 9/11 was the most visual event in human history, repeated

over and over again on television, and with every newspaper in Britain

devoting pages and pages to photographs of the attacks and their aftermath,

the one visual medium which instantly became intolerable because of its

capacity for offence was the cartoon. But once again, the difference lies in the

execution: television images and photographs may consequently be subject to

human intervention, but they are "captured" (that word again) by machines;

cartoons, on the other hand, are the sole creation of human beings wielding

primitive tools, who create or recreate reality by filtering it through their

human minds. The process is too human, too raw sometimes to be entirely

bearable.

Worse still, a cartoon, like any other image, is received by its readers

in a different way to the way they receive text. A cartoon isn’t, as such, "read"

at all, because reading is a slow, linear process of nibbling information as you

work your way down the column over a period of minutes, while a cartoon

(often squatting like a gargoyle on top of the column) is swallowed whole in

seconds. Worse than that, on top of being intrinsically different from a

machine made photograph, a cartoon is a piece of polemical journalism, which

is what also makes it different from an illustration. Given the visceral way a

cartoon is consumed, straight from the eye to the reptile brain, it’s

unsurprising that the response is often equally visceral. And the offence, freely

given, is duly received.

Still, although I use offence as just part of my satirical armoury - to express

outrage or to trigger a shock of laughter - I often get as good as I give. Which

brings me back to that point about offence being in the eye of the beholder.

Offence is a response, but it’s also a tactic. Unlike Jerry Sadowicz, I

rarely produce cartoons merely in order to offend for offensiveness’ sake.

Instead, it’s to make a point, often in reaction to something of itself far more

offensive. As such, I’m expressing an opinion, albeit visually and weirdly, but

as part of the wider political discourse. But this is where offence comes into

its own.

In the past, I may well have produced some genuinely offensive

cartoons, like the one I drew for Time Out after a biography of Princess Diana

revealed that she suffered from bulimia, depicting her vomiting over the bow

of a ship being launch, with a flunkey in the background saying "The real

bugger of it is trying to get her to eat a bottle of champagne during lunch..."

Many of Time Out’s readers were probably quite justified in taking offence,

although the calls for me to be publically castrated were, perhaps, over egging

the pudding. In admittedly hopelessly disingenuous mitigation I’d say that I

think the joke was quite funny, and that public figures - in other words, people

more powerful than me - are fair game, and can always retire to private life if

they want to break the contract between themselves, the public, the media and

me. I was also rather heartened by a letter published a week after the first

deluge of hate mail, saying that the writer was herself bulimic, thought my

cartoon was very funny and had cut it out and stuck it on her fridge.

Other cartoons have been more directly political, but have excited

equal outrage. A drawing I did for the Sunday Tribune in Dublin at the time of

the 1992 UN Population Conference in Cairo, prior to which the Pope had

entered into a tactic alliance with the Ayatollahs of Iran, resulted in the Trib’s

offices being picketed by nuns and members of Opus Dei. Then again, I had

drawn the Pope standing at the Conference reception desk, flanked by bearded

mullahs stoning women delegates and holding "Death to Rushdie" placards,

and saying "Hellow! We are the Pro-Life delegation!" After Pope John-Paul

II’s death, I drew a rather sweet cartoon for The Guardian of the Pope being

escorted across a heavenly cloudscape by the Grim Reaper, who’s saying to

him, "What do you mean? Am I pro-life?" That got a few complaints, but

none as baroque as the one inspired by a relatively innocuous cartoon, which

the reader said was the most offensive, vile, repellant, calculated to offend,

disgusting (and on he went, having clearly got out his thesaurus) cartoon or

image to have appeared in any paper or publication "since the foundation of

the State!" Along the way I’ve also been reported to the Press Complaints

Commission by one man who considered a marginal gag written in tiny letters

on a fax in the body of the cartoon ("The Pope is Catholic. The Blairs shit in

the woods") was a grossly offensive intrusion into the private life of the then

Prime Minister’s private life, and by a supporter of the Animal Liberation

Front who was deeply offended by me comparing the ALF to the Continuity

IRA after the Omargh bombing.

These were minor disruptions to my peace of mind. It was only after

The Guardian started to publish my cartoons on their website that I discovered

how truly (and, of course, deeply) offensive I could really be. Starting with a

cartoon suggesting that the 2004 US Presidential Election would result almost

immediately in a new American Civil War between the Christians and the

Constitutionalists ("Death to the Gay Abortionists!"), followed by Bush, Rice

and Rumsfeld in Nazi armbands emblazoned with crosses instead swastikas, a

cartoon of Bush crossing Canal Street in New Orleans pastiching the famous

painting of Washington crossing the Delaware, Bush and the Chinese

President shaking their blood soaked hands and discussing White Phosphorous

and many other cartoons on Bush’s presidency and Iraq, I regularly received

hundreds and hundreds of hate emails. My correspondents were clearly deeply

offended by my cartoons, and many had been alerted to my offence by

websites reproducing them. And to be honest, as my intention had been to

offend, I can’t really complain if people were duly offended. But the strange

thing was how offensive the responses were themselves. One started "When

you’ve finished scraping the maggots out of your whore-mother’s cunt" and

went on to describe in detail how I regularly rape my children, but only after

I’ve tired of raping Arab boys. Another said I was "dumber than an Irish

cunt". Most limited themselves to telling me that I was a dumb limey asshole

who’d be speaking German if it wasn’t for the USA, and would soon be

speaking Arab, after the Islamist takeover of Europe. One person even

enrolled me, without my knowledge, on a gay dating website, and I got several

mystifying inquiries from interested parties in Florida before I discovered their

source and cancelled my unconscious membership.

My friend and colleague Steve Bell receives even more of this trash

than I do, but sensibly observes that if these idiots are writing bilious emails to

him, they’re too busy to do anything truly dangerous. However, mixed up in

all this Tourettic spleen there were several fairly plausible death threats.

Things got worse after I produced a cartoon for The Guardian during Israel’s

disastrous incursion into Lebanon in the summer of 2006. It was, I concede, a

brutal cartoon, commenting on brutal events, and perhaps I should have

painted the Stars of David blue on the knuckle dusters on an Israeli fist

smashing a Lebanese child’s face while missing a Hezbullah hornet, to make

it quite clear that I was referring to the flag of the State of Israel rather than

the symbol of Worldwide Jewry. I doubt, however, that it would have much

difference, not least because the presence of the Star of David on the Israeli

flag is there precisely in order to claim to represent Jews everywhere. The

equation of Israel and Jewry has proved to be a brilliant tactic to disarm

Israel’s critics, simply by calling any criticism of Israel and its action

antisemitic. In the thousands of emails I received, again mostly fomented

through various websites, the message in all of them can be distilled pretty

down to "Fuck off you antisemitic cunt". And as a tactic, it worked. I was

deeply shaken by being accused of something I’m not, although I eventually

worked out that the heart of the insult lay in the word "antisemite" rather than

any of the others, because insults usually work best when they accuse you of

being something you’re not. Otherwise they’re not insults, merely statements

of fact. But long before this incident, I’d got used to receiving complaints

whenever I drew Ariel Sharron, that I’d produced the most anti-

semitic cartoon since the closure of Julius Streicher’s notorious Nazi hatesheet

"Der Sturmer". Again, the offensiveness of the response seemed to outweigh

the original offence. All I’d done was caricature a fat, Jewish-looking man in a

stupid drawing, in no more exaggerated a way than I’d depict anyone, and yet

as a consequence I ended up being compared with the principle cheerleader of

the Holocaust.

The disproportionate nature of these responses - the obscenity and the

death threats - pales in comparison to the response to the cartoons of the

Prophet Mohamed published by Jyllands Posten in October 2005, which five

months later resulted in worldwide protests, the burning down of several

Danish diplomatic buildings and the deaths of up to a hundred people, even

though they were all Muslims, shot dead in the streets of their Muslim

countries by Muslim policemen and soldiers after having been incited to riot

by Muslim clerics. In this infamous affair, it’s clear that Jyllands Posten set

out deliberately to offend, as part of the newspaper’s longstanding campaign

against immigrants, recruiting the voodoo powers of the medium to damage,

or at least discomfort, a group of isolated, beleaguered, powerless and poor

people in Danish Society, many of whom probably also clean the toilets and

empty the bins at Jyllands Posten’s offices. Because they targetted people less

powerful than themselves, Jyllands Posten failed my personal Mencken test,

and so I concluded that the commissioning of the cartoons was wrong, even

though the response - by powerful Danish mullahs, let alone the Saudi and

Syrian governments - almost justified them in retrospect.

But it’s worth reflecting on the purpose of all these reactions, whether

from Muslims to the Danish cartoons, or the response to my cartoons by

Muslims, Zionists, neo-cons, Americans in general, Catholics, Serbs,

Spaniards, or any of the other groups I’ve apparently offended over the years,

including some atheists who judged a cartoon I drew of Richard Dawkins for

New Humanist magazine to reveal me as deeply homophobic, because I’d

drawn him banging his wrists together in glee, and wearing sandals. But while

I don’t doubt that all these people are truly, deeply offended, and have ever

right to be, rights, despite any amount of wishful thinking, are merely

assertions. In the Babel of conflicting human opinions the right not to be

offended works out, in practice, as just another tactic to win an argument by

compelling your opponent to shut up because what they say is offensive.

Special interest groups, whether motivated by politics, religion or anything

else, constantly seek to create new taboos to make them, their attitudes and

their opinions inviolable, so that all criticism is rendered not just unspeakable

but unsayable too.

This totalitarian imperative to be freed from the threat of being

offended has operated throughout human history. Gods, kings and dictators, in

addition to all their followers, have all demanded that they be allowed to

control other people’s thoughts and behaviour to save them from the terrible

pain of their feelings being hurt. Doubtless train spotters would insist on the

same privilege, and enjoy the same freedom from mockery, if they thought

they could get away with it. But with repulsive regularity, the penalty for

transgressing the taboos and giving offence has been death or the threat of it,

even though it should be blindingly obvious to everyone who’s ever lived that

the most offensive thing anyone can ever do to anyone else is kill them.

That said, there are other kinds of damage that can be wrought, and

cartoons, as a subset of mockery, are capable of doing more damage than a lot

of other things. That, to a large extent, is their purpose. That damage can

either be benign, as I’d insist that my work is, keeping the powerful in check,

or malignant, as in the case of the Jyllands Posten cartoons or the cartoons that

Der Sturmer really did publish. They are, consequently, as offensive as you

wish them to be, depending on your point of view. They’re also part of that

deep, dark magic that also defines the taboos we create, which in their turn

inform our propensity to give and take offence. But you can invoke that magic

in all sorts of different ways.

After my Lebanon cartoon appeared, the Guardian published a letter

from the Israeli ambassador in London, which pulled the usual trick of

equating criticism of Israel with anti- semitism, but he started his letter in

an interesting way by giving a dictionary definition of a cartoon.

By these light, he argued, not only was my cartoon offensive, but it wasn’t even a cartoon.

I’m used to the formulation "so-called"

qualifying my critics’ description of my cartoons, along with assertions at how

badly I’ve drawn them, but this was something new. What he was saying was

basically that he disagreed with my cartoon, but as a consequence not only

pleaded being offended to make me shut up, but also asserted that, in its own

terms, the cartoon didn’t even exist. Now that’s smart magic.

For while offence may be in the eye of the beholder, you mustn’t rule

out the option of simply blinking and looking away.

Review of "Humour Books", published Independent on Sunday by Rich Hobbs

This is traditionally the time of year when it’s better to receive than to give,

and this applies to publishers more than anyone else, churning out warehouses

full of supposedly humourous crap, which is purposefully designed to be

bought by punters who won’t read it, as presents for other people who won’t

read it either. But this tide of tosh also subsidises many publishers’ output for

the rest of the year. If you look at it like that, you can almost forgive them,

knowing that each copy of some cynical cut ‘n’ paste telly tie-in dross will

help another, better book live. (And may the God of Comedy please prevent

the men behind The Mighty Boosh from ever, ever being flattered or bribed

into debasing themselves by knocking off something similar.)

Having thus worked myself up into an uncharacteristically generous frame of

mind, I was happy this year to notice that I’ve been sent only two tie-in jobs,

and I’m sure that Al Murray’s "The Pub Landlord’s Book of Common Sense"

(Hodder and Stoughton, £18.99), although over-

produced to the point of unreadability, might bring joy to someone or other

who’s been left unsated by Murray’s stage act, TV appearances and the widely

available DVDs thereof. Doesn’t make me laugh, but there you go.

However, my mood darkened considerably when I opened "Borat: Touristic

Guidings to Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan" (Boxtree, £14.99). Copyrighted

to I’m A Bender Productions and written by Anthony Hines and "Borat

Sagdiyev" (who doesn’t exist), with additional material by Sacha Baron

Cohen, this cobbled together reprise of the Borat Movie, with some extra stuff

about Borat’s homeland (an entirely fictional construct which just happens to

share the same name as a real country populated by real people) is one of the

most unpleasant things I’ve held in my hands for a long time. I admit I found

parts of the Borat Movie genuinely laugh-out-loud funny (although I have no

wish ever to watch it again), because it worked according to the unperceived

but understood laws of satire. Borat the ingenue’s picaresque adventures in the

US highlighted the contradictions and absurdities of that country, but the stuff

in this book about Kazakhstan is not just borderline racist (a long way the

other side of the border, as it happens) but also bullying, smug, nasty, mean

and ugly, as well as pornographic, and even then not in a good way. If we had

time, I suppose we could deconstruct the photograph of Baron Cohen as Borat

being fellated by a young woman who’s meant to be Borat’s sister, just in

order to tease out a few fragile strands of humour, but I can’t honestly be

bothered. For his part, Baron Cohen never gives interviews, presumably

because he’s too busy counting his money, but if he ever did he’d doubtless

excuse this whole woeful product as being blessed and therefore justified by

that raddled old whore "Irony". Which is fine, I suppose, except that particular

get-out clause was becoming stale even before Baron Cohen blacked up as Ali

G.

The one good thing about the Borat book is that it got me grumpy enough to

consider the latest load of grumpy books. This increasingly rickety publishing

bandwagon was launched a few years ago on the back of the success of

"Grumpy Old Men" on the telly. For a while the formula worked, at least in

commercial terms, so it’s inevitable that publishers will carry on milking this

particular cash cow until it’s reduced to bones and dust. This year, therefore,

we have David Quantick’s "Grumpy Old Men: New Year, Same Old Crap"

(Harper Collins, £9.99) and Mitchell Symons’ "Don’t Get Me Started: A Way-

Beyond-Grumpy Rant About Modern Life" (Bantam Press, £9.99), reading

which is a bit like being locked forever in a taxi driven eternally round the

M25 by a psychotic fascist cabbie with Tourette’s AND anger management

issues. Naturally, this Grumpy Ranting shtik has spawned legion sub-genres,

which are basically cheap and repetitive whinges played for comic effect, and

often married to the kind of observational stand-up comedy which was

becoming tired 20 years ago. Thus "Playing it Safe: The Crazy World of

Britain’s Health and Safety Regulations" by Alan Pearce (Friday Books,

£9.99) or Joel Stickley and Luke Wright’s "Who Writes This Crap? All The

Rubbish You Read in a Day - Rewritten" (Hamish Hamilton, £12.99), which

might bring joy into the heart of a loved one this Yuletide morn with their

comforting messages to hate everyone and everything.

Not that these books don’t have their moments of inspiration. It’s just that all

this moaning’s getting a bit dull. But among all the "joke" books about

irritating emails or post-it notes or crap towns or everyday life, you

occasionally find some proper, serious and seriously funny stuff, produced by

grown-ups for a reason. "Crap Cycle Lanes: 50 worst cycle lanes in Britain"

(Eye-Books, £4.99), for example, is an anthology of photographs of frankly

preposterous examples of traffic planning, with cycle lanes 5 feet long, filled

with bollards, hurtling towards the fast lane of trunk roads and so on. Compact

enough to fit into any cyclist’s lycra stocking, it made me laugh out loud, and

I can’t even ride a bike. There’s also Charlie Brooker’s "Dawn of the Dumb"

(Faber, £9.99), the latest collection of his writings on TV and a lot else for The

Guardian. What makes Brooker’s rants and diatribes stand out from the rest of

this reactionary, misanthropic oeuvre is that his outrage is real and invariably

justified, because unlike the Borat book or all the other books listing bugbears

like bellybutton fluff or how awful Nuneaton is, Brooker actually has a heart.

It just happens to be constantly breaking with fury.

Last year I prophesied that sooner or later there’d be a backlash against all this

grumpy stuff, and sure enough here it comes with Steve Stack’s "It Is Just

You, Everything’s Not Shit: A Guide to All Things Nice" (Friday Books,

£9.99), a response to Lowe and McArthur’s bestseller "Is It Just Me Or Is

Everything Shit?" About time too, if you ask me, although it’s a shame that

the book is far too long and not particularly funny.

It will, however, probably make you feel warmer and fluffier than Boris

Johnson’s "The Perils of the Pushy Parents" (Harper Press, £10.00), an

extended, sub-Bellocian exercise in rhyming couplets exuding a weird kind of

bouncy fogeyism, both written and illustrated by the Member for Henley-on-

Thames and putative Mayor of London. Citizens of both places should read

this bizarre doggerel and think carefully about everything its existence implies

before they next have an opportunity to vote for Bozza, and though I’m aware

that this advice might get him far more sales than he deserves, the price of

freedom is eternal vigilance.

We’re beginning to get a bit bi-polar here, because Boris’s book is bound to

sour your mood once more, just in time to enjoy Andy Riley’s "The Bumper

Book of Bunny Suicides" (Hodder, £9.99), collecting together and adding to

his previous collections of highly inventive and very funny rabbit despair. It

should cheer you up no end. Also worth a look is "The Wicked Teenager"

(John Murray, £9.99), the latest anthology of Social Stereotypes from the

Telegraph Magazine by Victoria Mather, illustrated by Sue Macartney-Snape,

who can encapsulate an entire social milieu in a drooping eyelid or a flared

nostril.

Sticking with cartoons, sort of, is "Psycho-Geography" (Bloomsbury, £17.99),

an anthology of Will Self’s column for The Independent, illustrated by the

great Ralph Steadman. This, like Brooker’s book, is a serious, grown-up book

which is also very funny, and it deserves more space and praise than I can give

it here, beyond urging you simply to buy it and find out for yourself.

All that need be said, sticking with my theme, is that Self had the sense and

grace to jump ship from The Grumpy Old Men TV show several years ago in

order more fully to embrace the unsullied joys of the weird and wonderful, so

I’ll finish up with two examples of both.

The first is Charlotte Gray’s "The Visitors" (Dewi Lewis Publishing, £14.99),

an incredibly odd and rather unsettling collection of sepia photographic

portraits of Victorians and Edwardians, each of which has had the head of a

different animal replace that of the original sitter. It sounds dumb and cheap, I

know, but it works. It’s also funnier than Max Ernst’s efforts in the same kind

of photomontage, and that’s saying something. But the book I’d recommend

most highly is "A Pig With Six Legs and Other Clouds from the Cloud

Appreciation Society", edited by Gavin Pretor-Pinney (Sceptre, £10), which is

exactly what it says it is. It made me smile, it made me laugh and it made me

feel happy. Indeed, if anyone still feels grumpy after thumbing through this

little gem of meteorological objets trouves, quite frankly they deserve the

Borat book and a miserable life of eternal grumpiness.

Book review of Mark Bryant’s "World War I in Cartoons" for British Journalism Review by Rich Hobbs

Despite periodic outbursts of renewed interest and fascination with the First

World War, like last year’s 90th anniversary commemoration of the Battle of

the Somme, there seems to be a strange sense of disconnection from it in

ways which go far beyond the simple passage of time. I suspect this is

because we can’t quite comprehend the scale of it, and we still haven’t really

come to terms with the trauma it wrought. Even forty years ago, when many,

if not most, people then living had had personal experience of the War, it all

seemed impossibly distant, unlike the Second World War, which still seems

far more recent, and certainly by more than just a couple of decades. Partly, I

suppose, this is because World War II not only cast an enormous shadow over

the second half of the 20th century, but also largely overshadowed its first half

too. But it’s also to do with the way our knowledge of those two wars comes

through the media which reported them. World War II inhabits a media age

we can immediately recognise, thanks to film and radio. The First World War

doesn’t, and even though its reality and the propaganda and drama that flowed

from it were recorded on film, it’s the wrong kind of film: it’s too jerky, or too

fast, and most of all it has no sound. The only noises from the First World War

we tend to hear now - and for that matter could ever hear through the media -

aren’t the speeches of Lloyd George or Clemenceau or even the Kaiser, or the

cacophonous carnage of Passchendaele or the Somme, but a scratchy record of

someone singing "It’s a Long Way to Tipperrary".

All of this is a bit weird, because in many ways the First World War was a

thoroughly modern media war, using cutting edge media technology to

advance the war effort on all sides. That included film, but also newspapers,

which by then, give or take advances in lay out, were clearly recognisable in

the form we all know today. And in the newspapers, they used another

medium, much much older but still familiar to us now, and that was cartoons.

In "World War I in Cartoons" (Grub Street, £15.99), Mark Bryant follows up

his magisterial "World War II in Cartoons" by using the same template to tell

the story of the Great War through the work of cartoonists of the combatant

and neutral nations. And, like its predecessor, it is both brilliantly realised and

often revelatory.

The depths to which the propagandists on both sides in the War sunk are

notorious, and are said to have seriously compromised attempts to alert the

World to the crimes of the Nazis because many people in England simply

didn’t believe true reports of German atrocities, having been caught out 20

years before by false reports in the previous war. That said, this book has its

fair share of brutal propaganda, with the standard voodoo of depicting the

enemy as bestial, mad and murderous.

But between the cartoons of simian monsters eating babies (and there’s a lot

of those) there is also some surprisingly light-hearted and even affectionate

material. A lot of this is just plain silly, like William Heath Robinson’s "First

lessons in the Goose Step" from 1915, showing a brigade of portly German

recruits being instructed in how to march by being chained to a gosling, or a

1914 Townsend cartoon for the Punch Almanack for 1915 showing the horrors

of life in London under the Kaiser (sausages and beer at the renamed

"Saveloy", choruses of fat frauleins raising foaming steins of lager at the

Opera). Even much later in the War, when no one could be ignorant of the

horrors of the Western Front, H.M. Bateman was producing fundamentally

silly cartoons speculating on the Kaiser’s future after the war (playing golf,

selling moustache medicine or becoming a Robey-esque Music Hall turn). Nor

is this startling joviality limited to British cartoonists, but is seen in cartoons

from every combatant nation.

Another revelation is the eclecticism of style, which again crosses front lines

with insouciance. Cartoons published more or less simultaneously span the

spectrum from over-wrought, over cross-hatched stuff that wouldn’t have

looked out of place 70 years previously, to images on the cusp of every strand

of European Modernism you can think of. In retrospect, it now seems rather

odd that most of these are German, drawn for Simplicissimus.

Although that fact alone underlines how artificial the kutlurkampf these

cartoons illustrate actually was, it also reinforces that sense of detachment

from the Great War I mentioned at the beginning of this review. What is really

surprising about "World War I in Cartoons" is just how few genuinely iconic

cartoons the war inspired. Part of our understanding of World War II comes

from the cartoons we remember from it, whether it’s Low or Zec’s political

cartoons or Fougasse’s posters for the Ministry of Information. But World

War II was by no means unique in its capacity to inspire cartoonists into

producing images which took on an immortality of their own. Just think of

Gillray’s "The Plum Pudding in Danger" or Tenniel’s "Dropping the Pilot".

And yet (and this is no fault of Mark Bryant’s) I can think of only two

cartoonists from the Great War who’ve succeeded in entering our collective

consciousness in anything approaching the same way. The first in Bruce

Bainsfather, whose Old Bill cartoons put a humourous gloss on life for the

average tommy in the trenches. His "If you know a better ‘ole, go to it" is

rightly and enduringly celebrated as one of the defining cartoons of the

conflict, brilliantly doing the job cartoons do best, which is to subvert horror

with sardonic bathos. But the best cartoon of the war, which, significantly,

Will Dyson produced for the Daily Herald 6 months after the Armistice, is

"Peace and Future Canon Fodder", depicting Clemenceau, Wilson, Lloyd

George and Orlando of Italy coming out of the Versailles Peace Conference,

with Clemenceau saying, "Curious! I seem to hear a child weeping." Behind a

pillar, a naked child is weeping over the Peace Treaty, with the words "1940

Class" above its head. Appropriately enough, this is very last cartoon

reproduced in this brilliant book.

Review of "Humour Books", Independent on Sunday, published by Rich Hobbs

I’ve been reviewing the annual seasonal outpouring of "Humour" books in

these pages for 12 years now. Most people in this country get less than that for

murder, so it’s hardly surprising if I should be getting slightly jaundiced and

more than a little tetchy when another boxful of Yuletide funnies arrives,

filled as ever with deeply cynical, humourless cut and paste jobs knocked out

by the work experience boy or girl in a publisher’s art department, under the

beady eye of an accountant with a knout.

That said, I’ve also been waging a weary and hitherto unrewarding

annual campaign against this Yuletide emission of dross, trying through

measured argument to dissuade those nice publishing houses from killing yet

more trees merely further to burden us with books coat-tailing on crap TV

programmes which in any case will never be read. And what do you know? It

finally seems to be working. First off, I’ve received absolutely no books at all

which attempt a cheap transubstantiation by cramming your favourite TV

comedy show between hard or soft covers. In fact the only book which pokes

even the tip of toe into this area is a reissue of Joyce Grenfell’s 1977 "George,

Don’t Do That" (Hodder and Stouton, £12.99), being the late Miss Grenfell’s

collected monologues, many of which were first broadcast on radio. And that

doesn’t really count as these are very funny, and Grenfell was one of the finest

humourous writers and performers of the 20th Century.

More heartening still is a trend towards a greater environmental

awareness among certain publishers, which is the only explanation I could

come up with for receiving several books I rubbished in this column last year.

Perhaps they think I’ll have mellowed over the past twelve months and now

realise that "Chav" (Bantam, £9.99) is, in fact, up there with "A Modest

Proposal" in satirical terms, rather than being a piece of meanspirited,

snobbish crap, like "A-Z of White Trash" (New Holland, £7.99), which may

be new, but still breaks the cardinal rule of satire, which is to mock people

more powerful and richer than you are. Then again, it’s more likely that

Simon Hoggart got it right in his Guardian column a couple of weeks ago

when he observed that publishers bring out this garbage in time for Christmas,

it sells 37 copies, so they let all the unsold copies languish in a warehouse in

Luton for 9 months before bringing it out again in time for next Christmas in

vain hope their luck may have changed. If this is true I think the Pope may be

wrong about limbo.

Still, Hoggart at least has done us a favour with "The Hamster That

Loved Puccini" (Atlantic Books, £9.99), which is another selection of those

appalling round robin letters we all receive from hopelessly unselfconscious

but fatally egotistical acquaintances at this special time of the year, and in

consequence wonderfully, horribly funny. Meanwhile, to return to recycling,

"The Idler Book of Crap Holidays" (Bantam, £9.99) isn’t quite as much

revolting fun as last year’s "Book of Crap Jobs", which I got sent again this

year, along with "Pussy" (Transworld, £9.99), last year’s rather brilliant satire

on lifestyle magazines for felines, which this year’s "Bitch" (same publisher,

same price, same joke, but this time about dogs) doesn’t quite match up to.

Nor is Andy Riley’s "Great Lies to Tell Small Kids" (Hodder and Stoughton,

£7.99) a patch on his sublime "Bunny Suicides". Nor, sadly, does the great

Craig Brown’s "1966 and All That" (Hodder and Stoughton, £10) really work,

but then again Sellar and Yeatman’s "1066 and All That" (Methuen, £9.99)

can neither be bettered nor, I suspect, repeated, even at the hands of a master

of pastiche like Brown. Incidentally, the 75th Anniversary edition of "1066

and All That" is illustrated by Stephen Appleby, for reasons I can’t quite

understand, as his cartoons run along side, rather than replacing, John

Reynolds’ classic illustrations without really adding much, while "Better

Living Through Air Guitar" (Portrait, £12.99) has some wonderful, and

typically Applebevian, weird whimsical drawings, but not enough of them.

With the greatest respect, they should have dumped the writer, George Mole,

and given Appleby his head. All in all you’re better off sticking with the

paperback of Appleby’s 2003 "Jim - The Nine Lives of a Dysfunctional Cat"

(Bloomsbury, £5.99).

If you detect a certain world weariness in my tone, rest assured that

I’m not alone. Joy to the world is clearly not the dominant sentiment among

humour writers this year, but rather a kind of wry yet furious disgust. Nick

Webb’s "The Dictionary of Bullshit" (Robson, £9.99), Steve Lowe & Alan

McArthur’s "Is It Just Me Or Is Everything Shit? The Encyclopaedia of

Modern Life" (Time Warner, £9.99), "Graham Edmonds’ "Bullshit Bingo"

(Southbank, £6.99) and Simon Carr’s "The Gripes of Wrath" (Portrait, £9.99)

all rage against the idiocies of the Modern World and specifically the way it’s

"managed", which in several cases must have made for interesting editorial

meetings among these authors’ various publishers. I highly recommend all

four books, just to get you into the right kind of psychotic rancourous mood

you’ll need to survive until Twelfth Night. "A Shite History of Nearly

Everything" by A. Parody (ho ho) (Michael O’Mara, £9.99) sounds like it

should be equally cloacinally empowering, but isn’t. It’s not even a parody,

but just another sub-Schott bit of band-wagon jumping.

Which isn’t to say that the ubiquitous Schott hasn’t led by example up

some rewarding byways. Adam Jacot de Boinod’s "The Meaning of Tingo"

(Penguin, £10) is a collection/dictionary/glossary (that it’s indefinable is one

of its many strengths) of words from around the world which have bizarrely

exact meanings. To quote one would mean having to quote them all, so you’ll

just have to believe me that this is a magnificently Reithian read, both

educational and entertaining, and very funny as well, even though I couldn’t

find what "Jacot de Boinod" actually means.

"The Meaning of Tingo" has an encomium on the jacket ("Jacot"?)

from Stephen Fry, which leads us neatly to "Tish & Pish: How to be of a

speakingness like Stephen Fry" (Summersdale, £7.99) by Stewart Ferris,

which has a small print get out clause on the back cover saying the book has

nothing to do with Fry, hasn’t been endorsed by him, and it should not be

construed that any of the phrases included therein have ever been used by him.

In the extraordinary unliklihood that a single copy of this weirdly pointless

book ever sells, I can foresee a juicy little "Passing Off" action coming to a

High Court near you. Still, just about, in the realm of linguistics, there’s

Stephen Caires’ "The Joys of Engrish" (Penguin, £10), a collection of

photographs of Japanese and Chinese slogans, logos, shop-names and so on

rendered in English presumably to give them some exotic allure out East. You

shouldn’t really laugh at this kind of thing: it’s patronising, culturally

imperialist and probably racist; unfortunately it’s also very funny.

I’m usually immune to, as well as being almost completely ignorant of

all forms of sport, so I was tempted to pass by "Summoned by Balls" (John

Murray, £9.99) by Christopher Matthew, as it’s about golf. To be more

precise, I’ve long held fast to the principle that if you can make foxhunting

illegal, then why not golf too? However, Matthew has proved time and again

what an old pro he is at the almost lost art of writing humourous verse (last

year he did it again with "Now We Are Sixty) that it would be churlish not to

recommend this book if golf floats your boat. By the same token, normally I’d

abjure "Why Did Arsene Wenger Cross the Road?" (Bantam, £9.99), as it’s a

football joke book, and if we’re going to ban golf, then why not football?

However, the jokes are so good that even if you hate football (like me) you

should be able to adapt something like the following to suit any circumstance:

Why does it take two Everton fans to eat a hedgehog? One to do the eating,

the other to watch out for traffic.

However, if you want to avoid gloom, doom or sport and feel more

traditionally festive, then Brendan Powell Smith’s "The Brick Testament: The

Story of Christmas" (Quirk, £8.99) should do the trick, combining the two

defining components of Christmas: Scripture and Lego. His rendering of the

Slaughter of the Innocents puts the Chapman Brothers to shame. Still with

visual humour, Chris Riddell’s "The Da Vinci Cod" (Walkerbooks, £5.99) is a

delightful little book of excruciatingly bad literary puns, drawn with Riddell’s

familiar flair for beautifully wrought detail, and no home should really be

without the great Ronald Searle’s "Searle’s Cats" in a new and revised edition

(Souvenir Press, £9.99). And that leads us effortlessly onto my top

recommendation, which is Sam Leith’s "Dead Pets"(Canongate, £9.99) which,

apart from being very funny, is also terribly moving in its exploration of our

relationships with companion animals and how we cope when our dumb

chums move onto the Happier Hunting Ground. It’s also (as a nice change)

very well written - see if you notice the repeated allusions to Kurt Vonnegut’s

"Slaughterhouse 5" - and, particular usefully at this time of the year, has a

lengthy section on stuffing. A word of warning, though: don’t sneak this out

of your loved one’s stocking on Christmas Eve while you contemplate the

gory and hollow interior of your turkey. It’s not that kind of stuffing.

On Respect, for New Humanist Magazine, published by Rich Hobbs

If you look carefully at the background of William Hogarth’s 1734 engraving

"Southwark Fair", you can see a tiny figure lying face down on a board sliding

down a rope tied at a forty- five degree angle from the top of a church tower.

This activity, briefly a crazeat the time, was known as "donkey-flying", and led

to the deaths of dozens of (probably drunk) young hooligans until everyone

tired of it and moved on.

A century later, there were respectable streets in the centre of London where

respectable people would be wise to remove their top-

hats before venturing further, as otherwise their hats would be shied off by

loitering gangs of rough oiks, who’d invariably shout something deeply

disrespectful as they lobbed their missiles of rocks or horseshit. 150 years

earlier Henry Purcell, the English Orpheus after whom a respectable concert

hall was named, where respectable people go to listen respectfully to

respectable music, froze to death outside his front door near Seven Dials in

Covent Garden because he was noisily drunk again, and his wife had locked

him out for the night.

Those are just three examples of the durability of public drunkenness and low-

level yahooery that have been a feature of human society, probably forever.

But of course citing historical precedents ignore the fact that things should be

getting better (despite the fact that it might now be wiser to revise Marxism

and conclude that History always has been and always will be a messy

dialectic with no hope of a synthesis). And thus, of course, all this recent talk

about "Respect", from the Prime Minister downwards (or upwards).

Interestingly, Blair raised the subject immediately after an election result

which articulated very clearly how much the nation respects him, and was

talking in general terms about respect for individuals and communities,

specifically detaching "respect" (good) from "deference" (bad). (He didn’t

mention "respectability", as this is presumably insufficiently rock ‘n’ roll for

his tastes). Two of New Labour’s more shameless lackeys, John Lloyd and

Geoff Hoon, haven’t been so circumspect, and have called on us, and the

Media which naturally defines our every conscious and unconscious thought,

to show considerably more respect for governments and MPs. And, if

necessary, we should be legislated into respectfulness, with everything from

ASBOs to roughly hewn bills about religious hatred.

But what exactly do we mean when we say we want "respect"? As far as

Governments are concerned, it’s easily understandable, and should be just as

easy to dismiss. MPs and ministers quite clearly want deference rather than

"respect", but I’ve always maintained that in the equation between the rulers

and the ruled the benefits are stacked so heavily in favour of the rulers (power,

influence, a smoother route to good tables in restaurants and into TV studios)

that a bit of disrespect on our side helps even things out, however slightly, and

tends to make us feel better as well as keeping our democracy healthily

sceptical and therefore vigilant.

The same applies to special interest groups (ie religions), keen to keep the

equation unequal in a one way street of "respect" and stamp out any, or indeed

all, arguments that would expose the nonsense they choose to believe. But

more widely "respect" is probably simply the wrong word for a more general

desire for safety and a quiet life. Further than that, societies have always, if

lamentably, found greater cohesion when confronted with a threatening

"other", and it just makes things so much easier if that "other" consists of rude,

loud children, particularly drunk ones, as they form a pretty feeble threat to

society as a whole.

Which is where I get to my real problem with "respect" as a political rallying-

cry. "Respect" implies a mutuality which is not what Blair and the rest of them

really mean. They want good behaviour, and you get that not through

"respect", but through fear.

However, as that’s only a limited option I suspect that underneath all this talk

is a yearning not for "respect" at all, but for respectability. Both Left and Right

in this country have always either secretly or openly been trying to make us all

middle class. This means we’ll all be more prosperous and therefore, it’s

presumed, happier, but it also makes us quieter. Different strategies have been

used to reach this goal, either through universal university education, the right

to buy or higher wages or, more brutally, by the Thatcher Governments of the

1980s. By torching the manufacturing industries where the lower echelons of

the non-middle classes worked in order to destroy the power of the trades

unions, the Tories also launched a cultural war on an entire stratum of society,

what we might term the "NCO class". They specifically demonised public

sector workers, teachers, shop stewards, nurses and all the rest of those people

who offered aspirant working class respectability, but who also provided a

cohesion to society the disparate ranks of middle classes won’t or can’t.

What was offered to replace all that was unbridled consumerism,

"opportunity", "choice" and an exclusively middle class vision of property

owning, car driving, consuming respectability. It’s more than ironic that the

cheerleaders for this cultural revolution in The Daily Mail and The Sun,

offering in turns prudery, a endless diet of acid drops and low-rent sybaritism

are the very people who now bang on about "respect" when the one thing the

packs of hoodied drunken chavs making a row in your local shopping centre

want is some respect for themselves, although that’s the one thing that, not

being respectable, they will never get.

Then again, the phrase "I respect what you say" is invariably followed by the

qualifying conjunction "but..."

Speech made at the unveiling by Michael Foot in The Gay Hussar restaurant in Soho of Rowson’s gallery of caricature portraits by Rich Hobbs

The Gay Hussar is possibly one of the greatest and certainly one of the most

famous eating places in London. For more than fifty years, this small

Hungarian restaurant just south of Soho Square has been the haunt of

politicians and journalists and, during the tenure of its legendary founder

Victor Sassie, provided the venue for plots, subplots, wild scenes and other

encounters which proved to have far wider historical significance than the

average meal. During the 60s, the whole of Harold Wilson’s Labour Cabinet

would lunch there, while towards the end of the decade the notorious serial

fellationist and left wing Member of Parliament Tom Driberg [see Francis

Wheen] tried to persuade Mick Jagger to stand as a Labour MP during a

surreal evening in the second floor private dining room (known ever after as

the Tom Driberg Memorial Suite). Bevanites conspired there, as did

Tribunites later on; editors were hired, deals stitched up, plots were hatched,

foreign secretaries* were threatened with physical removal, and it’s even said

that Tony Blair was first persuaded to enter politics on one of the plush

banquettes on the ground floor [see Tom Pendry]. A Great Book needs to be

written about the history of The Gay Hussar. This isn’t it.

Instead this is a collection of 60 caricatures I drew at the The Gay Hussar’s

over a period of around five years, and now perhaps I should explain myself a

bit more clearly. Sometime early in 1999, around midnight, on the stairs

coming down from the said Tom Driberg Memorial Suite, I made a pitch to

The Gay Hussar’s manager, John Wrobel, that I should draw his famous and

infamous patrons, as an enduring record of this restaurant’s place in the

History of the second half of the 20th Century, once these portraits of eminent

figures of past, present and future importance were hung up on the restaurant’s

wall. The deal would be that I’d draw these characters from the life in

realtime (their lunchtime) in exchange for one free meal a pop. I’ve always

liked the idea of cartoon reportage, the thrill of getting out to the story, rather

than just reflecting and reacting to the news hunched at home over my

drawing board. Moreover, I liked the bohemian feel of my proposal. Like

Toulouse Lautrec, I’d sit starving in the corner, wheezing consumptively and

scribbling away for my supper, sipping occasionally from a small glass of

absinthe at my side. (Actually, the closest I came to the absinthe was when I

drew Jack Jones and Rodney Bickerstaffe one Mayday, when they were

drinking absinthe and champagne, but there you go.)

Apart from my free meal, the terms were quite strict. First of all, the subjects

all had to have previously patronised the restaurant, so there was no question

of just packing the wall with David Beckham or the Pope just because they

happened to be passing. Having got my subject, it was then my plan to

produce the kind of immediacy in caricature that Cartier Bresson achieved in

his photographs. This was what made the gig interesting, and made it entirely

different from all the other cartooning and caricature I do on a daily basis.

And to that end I did no planning, no research, didn’t practice beforehand, and

didn’t want the subjects or victims to "sit" or pose in any kind of conventional

way. Instead, I was after a kind of fly-on- the-wall, or possibly fly-in-your-soup

caricature, the better to capture the real essence of the person.

This of course meant that the subjects were moving all

the time: chewing, talking, drinking, often obscured from my sight by passing

waiters or their freeloading mates. That made things difficult enough, but

added to that the restaurant can hardly be said to boast the clear, pellucid light

of, say, St Ives. Indeed, I drew Mo Mowlam and Sir John Mortimer up in the

Driberg Suite in almost complete darkness.

So, I was drawing moving targets in the dark, and quickly. Each of these

drawings, from beginning to end, took me an average of 45 minutes. Then, to

add to my problems, after the heightened stress of creation would be added my

wages, a large portion of mittel-european carbohydrate, which would grip my

heart all afternoon like a chain-mailed fist, to which would also be added, as

often as not, a few drinks with either my victim, or John Wrobel, or both,

leaving me to totter home far too late. Indeed, on one such afternoon my old

friend Peter Oborne, [undrawn: see under Peter Preston] now the political

editor of the Spectator, said to me: "Rowson, you will never be truly great

until you seek to emulate the simplicity of Christ."

Things were getting out of hand. On top of being compared unfavourably to

the Son of God and getting fat and drunk (but of course not getting paid), there

was the inherent danger in presenting the finished artwork to the victims of

my visual mugging for them to sign and endorse as a true representation of

themselves, which was another essential part of the deal. Most of them

winced; most of them clearly hated the whole thing. Lord Longford said his

drawing was like mortification of the flesh; Alastair Campbell, before I’d even

finished, yelled across the restaurant at me "You won’t be able to stop

yourself making me look like a really bad person!" to which I replied, "I draw

what I see". I’m still not sure if Julia Langdon has quite forgiven me. Many of

the people I’ve drawn were, once at least, my friends. Sometimes, however,

I’d be confronted with some prominent individual where I was astonished that

my pen didn’t leap out of hand and drive itself through my eyeball [see

Michael Howard & Michael Heseltine].

While we’re on the subject of pens the questions cartoonists are most

frequently asked are where they get their ideas from and what materials they

use. Well, my ideas were sitting in front of me, stuffing their faces. The

materials I used were, for the record, 250 gsm Bristol paper, the unforgiving

image put down in black Pelikan indian ink applied with an 850 mapping pen

nib. Although it must be said that this was, on occasion, entirely inadequate.

After all, one would need the palate of the Great Turner properly the capture

the precise hue of Paul Routledge after lunch, but there you go.

As you thumb through the pages of this book, it might help you to have a few

statistics about my subjects. Remember that they come from and represent

several generations of a particular class of Englishman (with the occasional

Scots or Welshman and the even more occasional woman; don’t blame me for

that, blame The System). The people depicted within these covers are,

moreover, the people who’ve moved and shaken this nation over the last sixty

years or more. If you note a certain incestuousness, well, that’s the way it

tends to be. In my commentaries on the sitters, several names will keep

recurring, for which I might apologise, except that it’s really not my fault. I

drew them because they were there. And they’re there, largely, because you

lot let them by continuing to vote for or read them.

Anyway, the average age of the subjects is 63. Their aggregate age is 3477, so

that if they were all laid end to end back through time we’d get back to the age

of the pyramids which was a sobering thought in a place not famous sober

thinking. There are fourteen current or past Cabinet ministers, 13 present or

past editors, many famous faces from TV and journalism, 5 Union General

Secretaries of various vintages, a former Chancellor, a former Deputy Prime

Minister, a current Home Secretary, 2 leading playwrights, one double Oscar

winner and one Mayor of London. [we need to revise this as necessary]

There were some subjects who continued to elude me, however. Alan

Rusbridger is, it’s true, in quarter profile with Charles Clarke, but cancelled

three times to be done full face. Likewise, Peter Mandelson, Ken Clarke and

Nick Brown, among others, all found better things to do at the last minute. We

were promised Tony Blair, but he seemed to be busy. On a more sombre note,

shortly after Barbara Castle’s death John Wrobel received a letter from one of

her staff saying how much she’d been looking forward to being drawn by me

before her final illness made that out of the question, which was both

immensely flattering and rather humbling.

Finally, between going blind and getting pissed, I also worked out a kind of

"Eye Spy" approach to this project, where you could win points for what you

spot. So, a Cabinet minister, past or present, was worth 30 points, government

minister, 20 points, candidate for leadership of your party, 10 points,

successful ditto, 50 points, editor, 20 points per paper, winning an Oscar, 20

points, Most Powerful Man in Britain, 8 points, being a spin Doctor, minus 30,

and so on. There was also a 5 point bonus for any kind of connection with

Tribune. So, while not intending to run through the whole list, it’s worth

noting that Lord Gus MacDonald manages to push his total up to 45 on the

strength of his brief tenure as circulation manager of Tribune, and while it’s a

close run thing for second place between lords Hattersley and Heseltine, the

outright winner, by a mile, on 245 points, is my very good friend Michael

Foot, who was the first to be drawn and appears first in this book, and who has

written a characteristically generous preface.

To him - and to all my victims - my profound thanks, and to you, the reader, I

can only apologise for drawing what I saw and nothing else.

* For the record, the Foreign Secretary in question was George Brown.

Review of "Humour Books", Independent on Sunday, published by Rich Hobbs

For the last eleven or so years the books editors of this newspaper have ruined

my Christmas by giving me the crap job of reviewing the annual outpouring of

"Humour" books. And I have complained over and over again about the

defining assumptions that render so many "Humour" books not only not funny

but also deeply depressing crap. Just to remind you, these are: an unyielding

belief in the redemptive powers of association with TV; a cynical idleness that

assumes that anything tossed off by a cabal of art directors and accountants,

and thereafter usually associated with TV, will do; an unspoken knowledge

that none of these books will ever be read, but just sit by the bog for a month

or so before ending up at Oxfam; a transgressive urge to transcribe the

products of one medium (TV) into another (books) in the erroneous belief that

this will work; and a fundamentalist reverence for comedy and comedians, as

if they were not only the New Rock ‘n’ Roll but also the New Religion.

Last year we had a collective autobiography by Monty Python (...full of grace,

blessed art thou amongst 35 year old telly programmes...) which was more

like the Book of Kells than anything else. This year, in William (no relation)

Cook’s Goodbye Again: The Definitive Peter Cook and Dudley Moore

(Century £17.99), we have yet another book of reheated scripts, the better to

maintain our faith in the divine power and significance of a man who was

pretty funny for a while, but not much else. But if you think I’m being

appallingly po-faced here, reflect not only on what Pete himself might have

thought of all this, but also that next year you’ll be able to buy tiny scraps of

Cook’s calcified liver in keyrings, as relics to help cure the overwhelming

feelings of sadness and futility when confronted by books like this. And if that

doesn’t save your soul, try The Compulsive Spike Milligan (4th Estate £18.99),

edited by Norma Farnes, another cut and paste job about a dead comic genius

who becomes less and less funny the longer they’re dead.

Of the five tests outlined above, three are in evidence in Stephen Fry’s

Incomplete & Utter History of Classical Music (Boxtree £16.99), "inspired",

apparently, by an award-winning Classic FM series, and boasting on the cover

as being "as told to Tim Lihoreau". Does this mean that Lihoreau wrote it?

Or is Fry’s amanuensis? Anyway, although it may have won awards on the

wireless, I found Fry’s transcribed vocal gurnings made the whole thing pretty

much unreadable, which is a shame as Fry, we’re told, is so fantastically

clever (he’s regularly described as having "a brain the size of Kent") he seems

to have found his natural home as a quiz show host. Similarly Making Divorce

Work (4th

Estate £10.99) by the very funny Rob Brydon’s alter ego Keith

Barret started out as a stand-up routine, but doesn’t work as a book, while

Rory Bremner, John Bird and John Fortune’s You Are Here: A Dossier (Orion

£16.99) is such a devastatingly brilliant attack on Blair’s record in government

that its occasional, apparently obligatory dips into flip "comedy" jar horribly,

so it doesn’t really work as humour.

None of these, however, plumb the depths of true, unadulterated awfulness

like Avid Merrion’s Book’Selecta (Transworld £14.99), which is little more

than a scrapbook which should never have been published of a TV programme

which should have been cancelled several series ago. Just as bad is Richard

Porter’s Crap Cars (BBC Books £9.99), another cynical and pointless telly

spin-off, this time from Top Gear, along with two meaningless sledgehammer

parodies, The Sellamillion by A.R.R.R.Roberts (Orion £6.99), which is little

more than an extended one word joke which first appeared in Private Eye 35

years ago, and Steve Barlow and Steve Skidmore’s Star Bores (HarperCollins

£6.99).

Which is not to say that parodies, or books sneering at artifacts from the past,

or even books designed purely to sit by the bog need be this bad. Rohan

Candappa’s The Curious Incident of the WMD in Iraq (Profile £5.99) is not

only a great concept but also brilliantly executed, with his autistic Tony Blair

coming across as chillingly believable far too frequently for comfort. As are

the excellent Craig Brown’s parody diaries for Private Eye, now collected in

Imaginary Friends (Private Eye £9.99). There’s also a very nice parody of

glossy lifestyle magazines with PUSSY: For Cats Who Should Know Better

(Transworld £9.99), which manages to skewer all those mawkish "Cat

Humour" books (life’s too short to list them here) as well as making me laugh

out loud. The Very Best of the Innovations Catalogue (Bloomsbury £7.99),

The Bumper Book of Unuseless Japanese Inventions (HarperCollins £9.99)

and Nick DiFonzo’s The Worst Album Covers in the World... Ever!

(NewHolland £7.99) would also grace any toilet library and bring much

pleasure and laughter in those otherwise empty hours, as would Reach For

The Stars, a compendium of flyers by second and third-league light

entertainers by James Innes-Smith, except that Bloomsbury have withdrawn it

because some of the (real) acts featured didn’t think they were as funny or

ludicrous or sneerworthy as they clearly are. You can probably get hold of this

book if you try hard enough, and it’s worth it.

Sneering, after all, is the solid rock on which much humour is based, although

I didn’t take to Mia Wallace and Clint Spanner’s CHAV! A user’s Guide to

Britain’s New Ruling Class (Transworld £9.99). This extended SloaneRanger

Handbook-style sneer at the be-burberried denizens of the underclass breaks

one of my golden rules for Satire, which is that on the whole it’s better to take

the piss out of people more powerful than you, because otherwise, like this

book, you get dangerously close in spirit to those leaden 19th

Century Punch cartoons which poked fun at servants and foreigners while ignoring more

deserving targets. That can’t be said of this year’s dependably dependable

collections from our top cartoonists, with Steve Bell’s chimp-o-morphic take

on George Bush in Apes of Wrath (Methuen £12.99), that King of Cartoon

Cool Peter Brookes’ collected little zoomorphic masterpieces in Nature Notes

IV: The Natural Selection (LittleBrown £15.00 - and note the innate class of

that extra penny) and the further venal adventures of Charles Peattie and

Russell Taylor’s Alex (Masterley £9.99).

I was previously unfamiliar with Modern Toss, a comic by Jon Link and Mick

Bunnage, and now collected as a book by PanMacmillan (£9.99). Badly

drawn, utterly foul-mouthed, mean-spirited and misanthropic,

it’s also very very funny in ways that equally foul-mouthed rubbish like the dire

Book’Selecta could never be. Why this should be so is a mystery,

or requires far greater exegesis than I have room for here.

And that, dear reader, is just another aspect of the crappiness of this crap job

reviewing all these crap books for you every year. No better book to finish

with, then, than The Idler Book of Crap Jobs (edited by Dan Kieran,

Transworld £9.99), a run-down of the 100 worst jobs imaginable, from Ham

Factory Worker, through Journalist (ha!) to North Sea Ferry Cabin Cleaner,

with tales of humiliation, tedium, futility and, most of all, disgust and horror at

the vileness of other people. At Christmas you’d need a heart of stone not to

laugh very loudly indeed.

On Political Correctness, for New Humanist Magazine, published by Rich Hobbs

When, still in opposition, Tony Blair decided to send his children to the

Oratory School rather than to their local comprehensive in Islington, he was

attacked for surrendering Labour Party policy to his own self-interest. He

responded by saying that the criticism was just "political correctness gone

mad". Almost a decade later, during the summer of 2004 when, presumably,

he hoped that the dearth of hard news would mean that someone might pay

attention, Michael Howard made a speech attacking the constraints "political

correctness" imposed on the police and other public officials going about their

business. Indeed, should you be inclined to open any rightwing newspaper,

you’ll find attacks on the tyranny of "political correctness", so much so that the

perception that we’re all victims of a repressive "politically correct" police

state has filtered deep into the national consciousness.

Take, for instance, a drunken friend of mine a few years ago who was

bemoaning that the bumbling Etonian jack-of-all-trades Boris Johnson had

allegedly been banned from the airwaves of Radio 4 because of his plummy

accent. "It’s just political correctness gone mad," he slurred. "I really really

hate political correctness," he went on, at some length. When I tried to point

out that this embargo didn’t seem to have slowed Boris down any, and that he

might just have got hold of the wrong end of the stick as far as this "political

correctness" lark was concerned, he was, alas, too pissed, or possibly

"differently sober" to reply.

Then there was the time I was invited onto Radio 4's arts programme "Front

Row" to review the first couple of episodes of "South Park", the foul-mouthed

American cartoon series, which its publicity claimed was acting as an overdue

counter to "political correctness".

As far as I could tell the only "politically incorrect" aspect of the show, which

was mostly about farting and shit, was the throwaway line "Africa? Isn’t that

full of black people?", so I said that "political correctness" must be a pretty

feeble behemoth (my brother-in-law later laid into me for using the word

"behemoth" on National radio) if this garbage was seen as an attack on it, and

that actually the most interesting thing about "South Park" was the animation

technique, the same as that used to make "Ivor the Engine" which was, in its

way, much more subversive. What I didn’t know at the time was that I’d been

invited onto "Front Row" specifically to praise "South Park" because I’m seen

as a pretty vicious cartoonist who, presumably, is meant to enjoy this kind of

thing. Mark Lawson told me a few years later that because I didn’t enjoy it

"Front Row’s" producers black-listed me from the programme.

So, that’s me genuinely banned from the radio for being, however tenuously,

"politically correct", while Boris Johnson’s patrician squawks, assumed to be

"politically incorrect", quack out of a wireless set near you almost ceaselessly.

What, you might ask, is going on?

The point about "political correctness", of course, is that it’s an invaluable

Aunt Sally, a flimsy paper tiger for anyone to have a pop at when they can’t be

bothered to come up with a proper argument to back up their position. Blair

used it as a knee-jerk response to avoid admitting that he’s just a sell-out

merchant (if, that is, he ever truly bought in), while Howard evoked the

monster as a cheap rhetorical device to make cheaper political capital. Had I

been in a position to produce a cartoon about that speech (I was on holiday at

the time), I’d have done something along the line of "you’d expect an attack on

political correctness from an oily yid like him". Not, of course, that anyone in

their right mind would have published anything like that. Irony is too open to

misinterpretation for newspaper editors entirely to trust their readers to get it,

but I think that putative cartoon which I never drew gets us to the heart of the

issue.

"Political Correctness" is a clumsy term for affording people different from

you a modicum of courtesy. Of course, like hares in March, it seems to have an

amazing propensity for going "mad" or just being silly, but then again it’s a

blunt political tool wielded with entirely laudable intentions: that, in public at

least, you don’t glibly assume you can denigrate people merely because of

their ethnicity, sexuality, physical condition or gender. So when a racist comic

or a reactionary columnist or a shameless politician or a lazy policeman

complains that they’re straining under the unendurable yoke of "political

correctness" (which, inevitably, has also gone mad) what they’re really saying

is that they’ve been deprived of their inalienable right to call blacks "niggers",

jews "kikes", South Asians "pakis", the disabled "spazzes" and women

"whores" as a very blunt political tool to keep them in their places.

But isn’t that what free speech is all about? And how can I, as a satirist,

possibly endorse a constraint on abuse? Except that there is a difference

between believing in anyone’s right to express their opinions and guaranteeing

their right to shout "Fuck off, you nigger cunt!" at Archbishop Desmond Tutu

during a television interview. Or to a black suspect in a police station, for that

matter. And, of course, the point of Satire is to comfort the afflicted and afflict

the comfortable. In other words, only attack people more powerful than you,

who tend, by and large, not to be the beneficiaries of "political correctness".

And we should all applaud the fact that as a political gambit "political

correctness" has proved so effective that the "alternatively liberal", the

"differently powerless", now pretend that they’re the victims instead.

Review of McSweeney’s General Concern No 13, edited by Chris Ware, for Independent on Sunday, published by Rich Hobbs

One of the last editors of the old "Punch", before it was revived, briefly, into a

kind of living death by Mohammed al Fayed, rather usefully coined the

collective noun for cartoonists as a "whinge". Of course, cartoonists aren’t the

only group of artists who moan ceaselessly about the neglect and ingratitude

the towering edifices of their genius suffer at the hands of editors, publishers

and the public - poets, obviously, are just as bad; it’s just that cartoonists do it

better than anyone else. Take, for example, Chris Ware, guest editor of

McSweeney’s General Concern No 13. For the uninitiated, it should be

pointed out that Ware is something of a cartooning hero. His dense comic

book The Adventures of Jimmy Corrigan The Smartest Kid on Earth was a

phenomenon, up there with Art Speigelman’s Maus in breaking out of the

ghetto comics normally inhabit into the wider world of books. As it says on

the cover of Jimmy Corrigan, "Also, winner of The American Book Award

and The Guardian Prize 2001. (The consumer will note that these honors are

generally only bestowed upon those authors who refuse to learn how to

draw.)" That slight chippiness of tone is repeated in Ware’s introduction in

McSweeney’s General Concern, with lines like "Comics are not a genre, but a

developing language... despite the discipline’s extraordinary diifficulty, labor-

intensiveness, and paltry recompense..." or "where real writing and reading

induces a sort of temporary blindness, comics keep the eyes half-open,

exchanging the ambiguity of words for the simulated certainty of pictures."

Which is fine in itself, but I’m not entirely sure what point Ware’s making, or

indeed what the point of this lavishly and beautifully produced book actually

is. Is it, as it first appears, an anthology of contemporary American comic

book art, a rather heavier version of Speigelman’s Raw? At that level it works

very well, with contributions from Ware himself, and from modern masters

like Robert Crumb, Kim Deitch and Joe Sacco, who with his comic books on

Palestine and Bosnia has more or less single-handedly created a new genre of

politically-engaged cartoon reportage. Naturally, this is interspersed with a

good deal of badly drawn, badly scripted and self-obsessed stuff typical of the

current trend for solipsistic autobiography in American comics, sub-Crumb

and mostly crumby, but there you go. The reader can pick and choose as the

mood takes him or her (no, that should just be him).

But then, between the strips, there are also lengthy articles, including one from

John Updike, despite Ware’s warning that these may cause blindness. Most of

these are lengthy reflections on how comics were the only thing that kept a

whole bunch of lonely, gloomy American kids from going mad. Again, fair

enough, but mingling with these are other articles which are entirely more

academic in tone. Some are about the development of the strip cartoon, from

its alleged inventor Rodolphe Topffer [umlaut on the o, which this machine

can’t do] onwards (and let’s not quibble that Gillray was producing things that

looked remarkably like comic strips in the 1790s, years before it’s claimed

Topffer thought up the genre or, if you prefer, "developing language", in

1845); others rehearse the old line about the comic strip being the first truly

American artform (if you discount jazz and ignore the fact that Topffer was

Swiss). Others yet evince a reverential, almost fetishistic awe for iconic

artifacts of comic art. Thus we have the original artwork for a Mutt and Jeff

strip, run confusingly over 4 pages just so it can be reproduced same size

(respect!); likewise, six pages are devoted to scraps of paper half covered with

preliminary doodles of his cast of characters by Charles Schulz, the creator of

Peanuts. These come, it says, from The Charles M. Schulz Museum and

Research Center in Santa Rosa, California, and are reproduced so lovingly that

it’s clear that, before being rescued and duly archived, Schulz had screwed

them up and tossed them in the bin. The last Krazy Kat drawings by George

Herriman get the same treatment, although as he never got round to putting the

words in, all we can do is gaze at them in wonder.

In his introduction, Ware briefly comes down to earth when he writes "all this

flouncy nattering, however, doesn’t change the fact that comics are also

wonderfully vulgar and coarse, resistant to too much fluffing up or

romanticization". And yet this thick, hard-backed and heavy volume does just

that, fetishizing what were once called "funnies"and whose purpose was to be

disposable, light relief and generally being yet another sally in that old, old

struggle to get comics to be taken seriously and recognised by the adult world

in general as "respectable".

Except that comics aren’t and shouldn’t be respectable. The closest they

should come to the adult world is as a kind of foul-mouthed, filthy-minded

and grubby adolescence, with adolescents of all ages duly sequestered in that

teenage bedroom and, between bouts of what teenagers do, thumbing through

thin, flimsy funnies instead of damaging their wrists trying to hold this latest

over-weighty, overproduced whinge. Ware, after all, is rich and famous, and

thanks to this book will doubtless be mobbed by the thousands and thousands

of aging retards for whom comics still float their boat. Which, again, is fine,

but I wish he and the rest of them would accept that, in the ecology of culture,

comics flourish where they are for a reason, and so he should stop pushing

against an open door into an empty room.

Review of "Humour Books", Independent on Sunday, published by Rich Hobbs

Many years ago I read an Isaac Asimov short story in which a vast computer

(and as this was the 1950s, it was the size of Montana) was programmed to

uncover the mysteries behind human beings’ capacity for laughter. After many

months of grinding away, it finally revealed that our species’ sense of humour

was actually part of a massive controlled experiment by aliens, which, once

exposed, was immediately abandoned, and no one ever laughed again. [stet

itals]

I mention this for two reasons. First, looking at some of this year’s batch of

"humour" books I felt pretty much the same way. But more significantly, it

points up a quality of humour which we ignore at our peril. Humour is a

fragile thing and cannot endure careless handling. Analyse it, explain it, or

worse still venerate it and you kill the whole thing stone cold dead.

None of which has prevented Orion bringing out The Pythons Autobiography

by The Pythons, a monstrous behemoth of a book retailing for 30 pounds and

weighing not much less, avoirdupois. On the 30th anniversary of "Monty

Python’s Flying Circus" in 1999, I wrote in these pages how Python had

graduated beyond being a cult in the conventional sense to being something

more like a religion, not least because it offered the chance of salvation to

sinners who had no sense of humour but who could attain a kind of grace

through endless repetition (like the catechism) of the Dead Parrot sketch, so

that other people might think they were funny after all. The trouble is, as I

realised when I watched "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" again the other

night, Python itself just isn’t funny any more, and becomes even less so when

you tear aside the veil of the temple and let Cleese, Idle, Palin and co ramble

on about how they met at The Footlights, had a row on location doing "Grail",

bitched about each other all the time and really rather disliked the late Graham

Chapman for being a pissed up old poof. Not only didn’t I laugh, but I

finished the book feeling thoroughly depressed. Then again, maybe that’s the

point. Given its dimensions, this book is probably intended to chained like a

bible in cheese shops, the better to uplift the devoted.

The other explanation for it is publishers’ indestructible belief in (financial)

salvation through faith (in TV). Thus Alan Partridge: Every Ruddy Word

(Penguin/Michael Joseph, £16.99), an unreadable collection of all the scripts

ever broadcast featuring Steve Coogan’s cringe-worthy alter ego. As I’ve

often said, in the absence of braile editions, books of collected TV scripts only

make sense if we imagine that we’re in immanent danger of the Earth letting

of some enormous electro-magnetic fart which will wipe clean every last

videotape or DVD, and the scripts will all we’ll be left with. Until then,

there’s no point, except for obsessives.

The only exception to this rule proves the point. Methuen has reissued The

Dagenham Dialogues (£6.99), from Peter Cook and Dudley Moore’s 60s TV

show "Not Only... But Also", which first came out in 1971. By that time most

of the original tapes had already been recorded over by the BBC, who then

maintained a policy which evinced a healthy contempt for venerating their

heritage. Indeed, it’s said that their recording of the 1969 moon landing was

wiped when they taped the 1970 European Cup Final over it. So this really is

your only opportunity to savour Pete and Dud in their prime before the

Tourette’s set in.

Nowadays, of course, TV isn’t the only other medium cravenly pillaged by

idle publishers after another quick buck. The internet is a seething cauldron of

dross, ripe for being repackaged, and although I forgive the book editions of

The Onion Ad Nauseum (Vol 14) (Boxtree £12.99) and Historic Framley (Penguin £12.99), both spoof

newspapers which appear on the internet and, in a third degree of separation,

are now books, this is because they are at least funny. Unlike Wearing of this

Garment does not enable you to fly... And Other Really Dumb Warnings and

You May Not Tie an Alligator to a Fire Hydrant...And Other Really Dumb

Laws (both Simon and Schuster, £8.99), from a website set up Jeff Koon and

Andy Powell which has, I’m sure, received millions of hits from bored geeks

surfing for porn. Just looking at the cheesy mugshots of these high school

nerds on the dust jacket, I too wanted to give them millions of hits, but not like

that.

Luckily help is at hand when confronted with mindless drivel like this, in the

form of Talking Dirty: 5000 Slang Expressions for Every Occasion (Cassell,

£6.99) compiled by Jonathon Green, that Dr Johnson of the Demotic. So,

when confronted with the nerds’ books stating the bleedin’ obvious, just turn

to the relevant section and scream "Are the Kennedy’s gun-shy?" or "Do

beavers piss on flat rocks?" in addition to all the phrases you’re already

familiar with. And then you can turn to the pages and pages of expressions for

masturbation, including "double-clicking your mouse" (don’t ask).

A felicitous phrase I coined in an argument with my 15 year old son a few

weeks ago, which I trust will appear in the next edition, was "If shit were

sherbert you’d put Barrett’s out of business!" Please feel free to use this when

considering Michael Gerber’s Barry Trotter and the Unnecessary Sequel

(Gollancz, £6.99), A.R.R.R. Roberts’ The Soddit, or, Let’s Cash In Again

(Gollancz, £6.99), Charlie Hamilton James’ The Matewix (HarperCollins,

£6.99) and Shite’s Unoriginal Miscellany by A.Parody (Michael O’Mara,

£9.99). It’s not that I’ve anything against parody, or that the targets here don’t

deserve it, it’s just the soulless contrivance of it all which made my heart sink

deeper and deeper with every book. Nor was it lifted by The Wicked Wit of

John F. Kennedy, compiled by Christina Koning (Michael O’Mara, £9.99), a

respectful and drearily dull tribute to the womanising warmonger 40 years

after his assassination (see above), and which noticeably does not contain the

line "Increased security? I need that like a hole in the head!"

This is all getting too depressing for words, so let’s quickly belt back to Pete

‘n’ Dud’s book, and turn to the Art Gallery sketch, which contains one of my

favourite ever gags.

PETE: Have you seen that bloody Leonardo Da Vinci cartoon? ... I couldn’t

see the bloody joke.

DUD: Well, of course, you know, Pete, people’s sense of humour must have

changed over the years... I bet, when that Da Vinci cartoon first come out, I

bet people were killing themselves. I bet old Da Vinci had an accident when

he drew it.

Indeed, indeed, and on to this year’s crop of cartoon books. Steve Bell’s

Unspeakable If... (Methuen, £10.99), Peattie and Taylor’s The Best of Alex

2003 (Masterley, £9.99) and The Best of Matt, Matt’s Town and Country and

Matt’s Modern Times (all Orion, £4.99) are all essential compilations by

Britain’s top newspaper cartoonists, and actually read much better when

presented together and sequentially in book form. Also well worth buying are

Both by Tom Gauld and Simone Lia (Bloomsbury £7.99), a wonderfully

quirky and very funny collection in the traditions of Edward Gorey and

Stephen Appleby; the hilariously and inventively sick Book of Bunny Suicides

by Andy Riley (Hodder and Stoughton, £7.99), which effortlessly manages to

overcome the kiss-of-death jacket encomia from David Baddiel and Paul

Whitehouse; and "Get Your War On" by David Rees (Serpent’s Tail, £9.99)

which, again from the internet, is a refreshingly foulmouthed take on the

absurdities of America’s War on Terror (and, for good measure, Iraq as well).

Why, the royalties are even being donated to clear minefields, so you can

laugh with heartless glee without endangering your liberal conscience.

But best of all is a book which owes nothing to TV or the internet or

newspapers, but is entirely a book and nothing else. Christopher Matthew’s

Now We Are Sixty (And a Bit) (John Murray, £9.99) is the follow-up to his

previous volume of geriatric parodies of A.A.Milne, Now We Are Sixty, and as

I said when that book appeared, it’s the kind of wise, perceptive, moving and

very funny stuff you used to get in Punch in the 50s before we all started

worshipping the Holy Python in its sacred telly tabernacle. And it’s all the

better for that.

Review of "Humour Books" for Independent on Sunday, published by Rich Hobbs

In the nine long, long years I’ve been writing an annual review of the season’s

"humourous" books you may have noticed a general underlying theme

emerging. Although if you have, it implies you remember my scroogish

grousings from year to year; you may, indeed, cut them out, paste them down

in a scrapbook, then index and catalogue them under F for funny in your vast

cuttings library contained in cardboard boxes beneath your bed.

In which case, then you’ll love The Simpsons Beyond Forever , edited by Jesse

L. McCann (HarperCollinsEntertainment, £9.99), The World of Edward Gorey

by Clifford Ross and Karen Wilkin (Abrams, No UK Price) and The Carry On

Companion by Robert Ross with a foreword (foreworded is forewarned) by

Phil Collins (Batsford £12.99). These books, put bluntly, are for people who

like lists and cataloguing their bogies, and for whom everything about being

alive, including laughter, is so terrifying that the closest you can safely come

to it is to stick just to understanding the context. But anyone who needs to

know that Rod Keys was the film editor on Carry Ons Cowboy, Don’t Lose

Your Head and Screaming will never quite realise why Kenneth Williams

crying "Infamy, Infamy, they’ve all got it Infamy!" in Carry On Cleo is one of

the sublimest moments in British cinema. Likewise, The Simpsons is the

funniest, best written programme on TV, and I don’t need some nerd pointing

out the best bits in every episode in Seasons 11 and 12. But maybe you do, and

I suppose these "paralax" humour books serve a function, although with a

morbid surrealist like Edward Gorey the very last thing you want or need is an

explanation.

Other obsessives can now buy Tragically I Was An Only Twin: The Complete

Peter Cook, edited by William Cook (Century, £17.99), which will have to do

you until next year, when they’ll be selling his DNA in sachets so you can

recreate the man himself and have him pissed as a fart saying "cunt" in the

corner of your living room.

Anyway, as I was saying, my perennial theme has been a despair at all those

publishers who, seeking to transcend the differences between media to make a

quick buck, merely transgress. Thus all those bloody awful TV tie-in books.

This year’s chief culprit is Marvellous, Isn’t It? by "Ron Manager" (Headline,

£14.99, and actually Jim Reilly and Paul Whitehouse). As Whitehouse has

been told by Johnny Depp that he’s the funniest man in the world (now Cook

is dust), he presumably thinks he can get away with dross like this. The

tragedy is that he probably can.

Talking of dross, I hope by now most people have forgotten "Celeb", a lame

Harry Enfield vehicle on BBC1 earlier this year, in which Whitehouse’s old

mucker revealed just how washed up he now is. Which is sad. Even sadder is

that Celeb by Charles Peattie and Mark Warren (Masterly Publishing, £9.99),

an anthology of the original Private Eye strip, might be tainted by association

with its TV adaptation. Like Peattie’s other cartoon strip "Alex" (The Best of

Alex 2002, scripted by Russell Taylor, Masterly Publishing £9.99), "Celeb"

consistently brings the four frame gag cartoon strip to a level of near

perfection, so why did it stink up the telly screen? Don’t immediately blame

the corrupting influence of the magic rectangle itself: after all, Ron Manager’s

quite funny on TV, unlike in print. It’s simple. It’s because the natural karmic

divisions between media have been broken and transgressed. [stet itals]

I don’t want to get too voodoo here, but there’s a third instance, which in

many ways is the saddest of all. Ralph Steadman is the most original and

inventive British graphic artist of the 20th century. His books on Freud,

Leonardo and God remain the best of their kind it’s likely there will ever be.

Why, then - dear God, why - has he written DooDaaa: The Balletic Art of

Gavin Twinge; a Triography (Bloomsbury £20.00)? Essentially, this is a

multilayered conceit, but the consequent impenetrability of the conceited

layers in already obvious from the title: the idea is that Steadman gets a bloke

called Raphael Stead (are you following the gag here?) to write about a

whacky and zany artist called Gavin Twinge (pronounced "Twange"). There’s

lots and lots and lots of (usually just plain dippy) stuff about ART (with

mentions of the "Weightchapel Gallery" and "Tite Britain", geddit?) and drink

and being whacky and zany and arty and manic, and about 5 pages in I was

screaming at the bludgeoningly unreadable madness of it all. If only Steadman

had realised that his (often rather wonderful) brand of manic rage can’t cross

the media barrier into text, and had given us his graphic biography (or

triography); if only he’d listened to what Hunter Thompson is quoted saying

on the dust jacket: "Don’t write, Ralph - you’ll bring shame on your family".

Shameless might be a word to describe Simon Bond and Howard Marks’ 101

Uses of a Dead Roach (Arrow, £5.99). This has a flimsy cardboard cover

which, while a bit too stiff for a roach, will be perfect for the beermug method.

I suspect you’d have to be stoned to find this remotely funny or, indeed,

produce it.

Neither Ronald Searle (Ronald Searle in Le Monde, University of Chicago

Press, No UK price), Mac (MAC 2002: Cartoons from The Daily Mail, Robson

Books, £5.99) nor the unarguably cool Peter Brookes (Peter Brookes of The

Times, Little Brown, £14.99), all in their different ways masters of their art,

require external stimuli, I suspect. Also worth looking at is The Embarrassing

Parents by Victoria Mather and Sue Macartney-Snape [stet] (John Murray,

£9.99): as a cartoonist Macartney-Snape is up there with Posy Simmonds and

Nicolas Bentley in being able to capture an entire social class with a

fractionally raised right eyebrow. There’s also, as always, the highly

dependable Spectator Cartoon Book, edited by Michael Heath (Profile Books,

£3.99).

Cartoons apart, the best books I’ve been sent this year have very little in

common. Indeed, Frederick Crews’ Postmodern Pooh (Profile, £9.99) is like

nothing except its predecessor 40 years ago, The Pooh Perplex. As in that

book, Crews brilliantly harpoons the advocates of the latest schools of literary

theory. However, if gags about Post-deconstruction aren’t your bag, try Ian

West and Steve Gladdis’s refreshingly ludicrous and boneheaded How to Play

Air Guitar (Chrysalis, £6.99) which comes with its own inflatable guitar.

Equally silly is Charlie Brooker’s Unnovations (4th Estate, £6.99), a spoof

Innovations Catalogue which had me and my teenage children helpless with

laughter at its mixture of foul-language and deeply sick and frankly deranged

ideas, like the "Kissmammal 2000"... Alas, as this is a family newspaper I can

say no more, apart from "buy this book". And finally, tony and me by georg

bush [stet] (by James Parsons, Scribner, £9.99) which purports to be the results

of President Bush’s "Crayon Therapy" under the care of Washington

psychiatrist Dr Parsons, revealing a fascinating insight into the presidential

psyche. It’s a pretty obvious gag, but as any self respecting humourist knows,

you always go for the obvious gag first. In this case, Parsons has produced a

simple, highly effective and also very funny little visual satirical masterpiece.

On David Low, for the British Journalism Review, published by Rich Hobbs

For a man who’s been dead for nearly 40 years, the cartoonist Sir David Low

is thriving. Earlier this year, he had two exhibitions running simultaneously in

London. The first, in Westminster Hall, was opened by the Speaker of the

House of Commons, deep in the heart of the political establishment within the

purlieus of the Palace of Westminster. The second, up the road at the bottom

of Haymarket, was a smaller affair, held on the mezzanine floor of New

Zealand House. As Low was a New Zealander, the land of his birth is

naturally jealous of his reputation, although he left the place in his early

twenties and never went back. Anyway, apart from the cartoons themselves,

the exhibition included, in a box, Low’s hands.

At first sight I’d rather hoped that this was a Jeremy Bentham style exercise in

auto-iconography - that these really were Low’s hands, lovingly preserved like an

Egyptian pharaoh or the eyeballs of a Victorian murderer, as a voodoo

talisman harnessing the shamanistic power of his cartooning mitts. Rather

disappointingly, they’re made of wax, and once hung from the sleeves of

Low’s waxwork, displayed in Madame Tussauds in the 1930s. Still, the very

fact that they bothered to sculpt his hands at all (rather than, say, using a spare

pair of Bonar Law’s after the rest of that statesman had been melted down)

suggests the importance his hands were seen to have as a cultural artefact. And

Low clearly appreciated the gesture, having a bit of a thing about waxworks.

In a 1935 documentary film "BBC: The Voice of Britain", Low is filmed

giving a radio talk, during which he says "Politicians are merely waxworks;

it’s the cartoonist who brings them to life", and he even drew himself drawing

his own waxwork at Madame Tussauds, which appears to be in the act of

drawing him. And, significantly, his first cartoon for Beaverbrook’s Evening

Standard, published on 10th October 1927, was of the opening day of "Low’s

Waxworks", with the figure of Low himself dusting down Lloyd George

dressed as "The Political Fanny Ward", Churchill dressed as Napoleon and

Ramsay MacDonald, in court dress, labelled "The celebrated Conservative

leader (in actual clothes worn at the Tragedy)", while a tiny, grinning

Beaverbrook, either a punter or a dummy, is glimpsed in the background.

Most of the contemporary political resonances are now lost on us, but we get

the general point. Low was setting up his stall.

What he was doing, right at the start of his twenty-year long stint at the

Standard, was baldly restating the fundamental principles of the political

cartoon, which had been laid down a century and a half earlier by the great

caricaturist James Gillray. Using some kind of ancient sympathetic magic - as

it involves doing damage at a distance with a sharp instrument we might as

well call it voodoo - the political cartoonist transforms real people into

caricatured, and thereby controlled, depictions of themselves and then makes

them act out a narrative of his own invention. Thus the waxworks come alive,

but remain sufficiently waxen to allow the needles to be driven in.

One waxwork Low repeatedly brought to life was his own. During his fifty

year career Low drew something like 12000 cartoons, over 800 of them

featuring himself. Of the nearly 200 or so he produced in his first year on the

Standard, almost a quarter depict the cartoonist in some way or other. In his

first week, out of four cartoons, three feature Low (one as a dog, interestingly

enough), and two are about his role as a cartoonist. At the end of the week

which had started with him dusting down his "waxworks", there is the

extraordinary cartoon "The Hard Lot of a Cartoonist", in which Low lays out

his relationship with his proprietor. In the opening "frame", the gnomic figure

of Lord Beaverbrook tells Low "your cartoons are giving great offence to my

friends. I must ask you to reconsider your view of Lord Birkenhead, Mr

Churchill and the rest. After all, you are on the ‘Evening Standard’ now, and,

remember, our motto is ‘kindness first’." The second frame shows a highly

stylised group portrait of Baldwin, Birkenhead and Churchill in statesmanlike

pose, until Low’s conscience intervenes and makes him rub it out and do it

again, this time showing the whole Tory crew at the Motor Show driving a

ludicrous car designed for travelling in circles.

It’s obvious what Low was up to, setting out the parameters of his editorial

freedom, as licenced (up to a point, Lord Copper) by Beaverbrook. The terms

of his contract with the Standard gave him total freedom in choice of subject

and execution, but with an ultimate editorial veto, as we’ll see later. But Low

wasn’t just marking his territory in "The Hard Lot of a Cartoonist". Lord

Birkenhead, rechristened "Lord Burstinghead" by Low, was incensed by his

treatment at Low’s hands, later immortalised in wax. As he wrote to his friend

Beaverbrook, "As to your filthy little cartoonists, I care nothing about him

now. But I know about modern caricature and I never had cause for grievance

until you, a friend, allowed a filthy little Socialist to present me daily as a

crapulous and corpulent buffoon." That kind of thing can only delight a

cartoonist: it shows that the voodoo’s working. It worked on Baldwin too,

who, on being shown a Low cartoon, spluttered, "Now Low is a genius, but I

cannot bear Low: he is evil and malicious."

Many politicians, however, recognised the rules of the game: that while the

cartoonist can try to work his voodoo magic, he or she is really nothing more

than a court jester; at the end of the day the King, after all, remains the King.

Put another way, the politicians pretend they don’t mind, while the cartoonists

pretend we matter. That said, Churchill and Beaverbrook were huge fans. But

Low had another, highly unlikely fan. In 1930 a friend of Low’s visited

Germany and met Hitler, who sang his praises. It transpired that the future

fuhrer misread Low’s attacks on democratic politicians as an attack on

democracy itself, but nonetheless Low sent Hitler the original artwork of a

cartoon, with the hand written dedication "from one artist to another".

That relationship, of course, soon soured. After a weekend at Goering’s

hunting lodge in the mid-1930s, Lord Halifax told Beaverbrook that Low’s

representations of the Nazi leadership (as "bloody fools", as Low described it)

was seriously undermining good Anglo-German relations, and Low was told

to cool it. A cheap gag in one of his full page cartoons, "Low’s Topical

Budget", run in the Standard on Saturdays, in which Hitler is bitten by a dog

("Stop Press: the dog goes mad") was spiked by the editor. Low responded

with "Muzzler", a composite dictator combining Hitler and Mussolini. It was a

pretty obvious joke, and again Low was marking out his journalistic territory.

Moreover, Low’s attitude earned him the ultimate, if deadly, accolade from

his victims of being placed on the Gestapo Death list.

Low’s ragging of the Nazis (which, in the end, did nothing to stop them from

conquering most of Europe and murdering millions of its inhabitants), along

with his contrarian stance compared to that of his proprietor, are what he’s

mostly remembered for today. He also created some enduring cartoon

archetypes (like Colonel Blimp and the TUC carthorse, although most people

don’t remember Churchill, and later Lord Hailsham, as Mr Micawber, or his

Eskimo correspondents Onandonandon and Upandupandup, or, indeed, his

cartoon pup Mussolini, one of his most frequently used cartoon tropes) and

produced about half a dozen cartoons which, like Gillray’s "The Plumb

Pudding in Danger" or Tenniel’s "Dropping the Pilot", have entered our visual

language.

Does that, then, earn him the encomium offered in the title of the Westminster

Hall exhibition, "The Greatest Cartoonist of the Twentieth Century"? It really

depends on what you think the purpose of a newspaper cartoon is, how long

you think its effectiveness lasts and in what sphere it’s meant to exert that

influence. The sphere where Low’s influence is most obvious is among his

successors among newspaper cartoonists. Nearly all of us, at some time or

other, have pinched an image from Low: speaking personally, I’ve used

"Rendezvous", which showed Hitler and Stalin greeting each other over the

corpse of Poland at the beginning of the Second World War and which Low

described as his "bitterest cartoon", to depict Blair meeting Thatcher at No 10

just after the 1997 Election, over the corpse of John Major, and Nato greeting

Milosevic over the corpse of Kosovo. Likewise, most cartoonists will, as a

matter of course, use the TUC carthorse without a second’s thought (although

Colonel Blimp seems to have died with his creator). The reason we do this is

simple: as part of the visual language, these images are common currency, and

will be recognised by the readers, as will their point. Bluntly, it’s visual

shorthand, which was why Low created the carthorse, Blimp and his other cast

of characters in the first place.

But it’s worth remembering why he, and all other cartoonists, use these tricks.

They are merely tools to assist the job in hand, which is to provide a daily

commentary on the news which, being visual, is "read" and sublimated

quickly and in a very primitive psychological way. Having "read" it, the

reader then moves on, and maybe remembers the cartoon, and maybe doesn’t.

The savage response to cartoons (like Birkenhead’s, or Hitler’s) is in large

part because of their primitive, almost elementally savage, nature. Voodoo

indeed. But the main point is that newspaper cartoons, Low’s no less than

anyone else’s, are produced as an immediate commentary, and are as

ephemeral as almost all other newspaper journalism. The power of some of

them to linger in the collective memory is very much a by-product.

So, out of 12000 cartoons, apart from among obsessives and archivists, Low is

luckier than most to have as many as half a dozen remembered from his 50

year long career. Of course, it’s a mistake to judge the success of anyone’s

career purely according to the criteria of Posterity. As Groucho Marx said,

"What the Hell’s Posterity ever done for me?" So how "great" was Low in his

lifetime, and what criteria should we use to make that judgement?

In a way, Low set out to be the architect of his own "greatness". His counter-

intuitive contract with Beaverbrook helped considerably in this, but it should

be remembered that this was Beaverbrook’s mischievous gift, and in a way

reflects better on the proprietor than on the cartoonist. Similarly, Low worked

for the Evening Standard, which then had the smallest circulation of London’s

three evening newspapers, but, as the paper of choice in London’s clubland,

was read by Low’s powerful and influential targets (just as, 120 years earlier,

Gillray’s clientele at Mrs Humphrey’s print shop in St. James’ were his targets

in the establishment, who got the joke and enjoyed the recognition). He was

also widely syndicated, thus nurturing a world-wide audience. He was also, of

course, right about Hitler, but was hardly a lone voice. Indeed, his contrarian

position did, if anything, reinforce the impression that he was a lone voice,

and then just one who was shouting rude jokes in the wilderness.

Low was at his best when performing the role of Court Jester to Beaverbrook;

his pre-war cartoons are both funnier and more effective than the stuff he did

once he’d left the Standard and gone to his natural political home, first on the

Daily Herald and then at the Manchester Guardian. By then Low appeared to

be believing the rest of the world’s opinion of him which he’d been so careful

to cultivate. The tone is far less mischievous and far more pompous, with Low

strongly identifying himself as a "sane voice in an insane world". It’s reported

that, by this time, he was getting grander and grander: at an Oxbridge High

Table dinner, there were embarrassing scenes as he vied for prominence as the

senior guest of honour over a visiting elder statesman, and at the Manchester

Guardian, the arrangements for the paper’s coverage of the party conference

season centred around the arrangements for Low’s attendance. In 1962 he

accepted the knighthood he’d turned down in the 1930s.

And now there he is, back in the heart of the Establishment in Westminster

Hall, although without his hands. I don’t know whether the rest of Low’s

waxwork is propped up in a basement in Madame Tussauds, or has long since

been melted down to sculpt Billy Fury and, later, Boy George. As I said

above, what we do know is that he constantly played Pygmalion with himself

by bringing his waxwork to life in his own cartoons, but it’s worth noticing

how he did it. Vicky, his contemporary and successor at the Standard, was

also fond of placing himself in his cartoons, but more often than not as the butt

of his own jokes. Low was seldom if ever the fall guy, and when he was he

was the stooge to his own conscience. Otherwise, he drew himself as the

passive audience for Colonel Blimp’s idiocies in the steam room, or as

Diogenes in his barrel (holding a candle and looking for an honest man), or,

most frequently, as an observer of the lunacies of the political world and, by

inference, a stand-in for Everyman.

There’s no harm in Low’s self-identification with Commonsense, and without

question he was a very great cartoonist, whose greatest influence has not been

in the way he drew but in why he drew: that you can make deadly serious

points by making people laugh. But in essence he was merely reasserting the

cartoonist’s right savagely to mock, first established in the form we recognise

today by Gillray, but which had lapsed during the dark, deferential Victorian

years in between. That was probably enough in itself, although it’s also worth

pointing out that if (and it’s quite a small if) Low was the greatest cartoonist

of the twentieth century, it was largely because he kept on telling us so.

Speech delivered at the launch of University of Kent Cartoon Centre’s Cartoon Hub website at New Zealand House, May 2002 by Rich Hobbs

Well, it’s awfully considerate of you to think of me here, and I’m most

obliged to you for making it clear that I’m not here. That said, there might not

be an immediately obvious connection between the art of the political cartoon

and the opening lines of the final track on Pink Floyd’s second album, A

Saucerful of Secrets, which I’ve just quoted to you. Still, let’s see if we can

run with it. That last track was the only song on the album written by Syd

Barrett, the founding genius of Pink Floyd who, shortly after he wrote it had a

massive mental breakdown, a bit like poor old Gillray. Unlike Gillray, it was

too much acid which led to Syd’s irreversible collapse into schizophrenia, but

that’s beside the point at the moment. Let’s stick with the schizophrenia bit,

and remember, for a moment, the title of Syd’s first solo album, "The Madcap

Laughs". Like every other cartoonist, the question I’m most frequently asked

is "where do you get your ideas from?" I used to answer, sarcastically, that I

got them from ingesting vast pharmocopia of hallucinogenic drugs, but I had

to stop saying this because too many people believed me. So much for irony.

Nonetheless, I still occasionally encounter profoundly stupid people who

clearly possess no mind worthy of expansion who look at my work and say

"Hey, you’re so weird you must be on acid!"

Well, again, no, but still bearing Syd Barrett in mind it places us rather neatly

in the dark, shadowland occupied by the newspaper cartoonist. We are, we

know, the court jesters, the holy fools of newspapers, the madcaps capering

around saying the unsayable but allowed to say it because we are

institutionally mad. A mark of that madness, of the role of "Ye Madde

Designer", to quote the title of David Low’s 1935 book on cartoon and

caricature, is that what we do is so very different from everything else that

newspapers do.

In point of fact, although all newspaper editor clearly recognise a cartoon and

the role it plays in the topography of newspaper design, the way a cartoon acts

as an oasis - of insanity, you might say, or greater sanity - in the arid deserts of

text, many don’t actually understand what cartoons are at all. The most

frequent mistakes editors make are that a cartoon is basically an illustration

and should have no words, and that a cartoonist is the merest of mechanicals

who has to be guided and controlled with a firm editorial hand to stop the poor

halfwit soiling himself in public all over the leader page. In fact, a cartoon

should have exactly the number of words it requires, be that none, two or three

in a title, 250 in the case of some Low cartoons, 1000 or more in the case of

some Gillray prints, in those vast wobbling zeppelins of text, or more than

anyone could reasonably read in a lifetime, in my case on one of my more

prolix days. The confusion on the poor editor’s part arises rom the fact that

most writers can’t quite cope with a group of people who can draw and write,

as every decent cartoonist must be able to do. That’s why some editors seek to

control their cartoonist far more rigidly than they’d ever seek to control, or

even guide, their textual columnists.

But it goes with the territory. For while a cartoon by, say, Steve Bell or Peter

Brookes or Nick Garland addresses a particular issue more precisely, more

pertinently, more accurately and more speedily, for the reader, than the

columns by Hugo Young or Lord Rees-Mogg or Boris Johnson upon which

they squat like gargoyles, what those cartoonists do is not quite decent. While,

in the hierarchy of newspapers, it’s sherry glasses full of gravitas for the

textual columnists up at the Big House, I always tend to get the feeling that the

cartoonists will be lucky to get a glass of mackeson and a pork pie down in the

servants hall. In a way that’s as it should be. I think cartoonists should be

semi-detached and not quite decent. But it’s worth while speculating on why

editors should come to the same conclusion, albeit from a different starting

point.

I’d suggest it’s because what we do is, quite simply, so savage that it borders

on the incomprehensible. But by savage I don’t cruel or scatalogical, but

primitive and elemental. And not just because it’s primitive voodoo, seeking

to inflict harm at a distance with a sharp instrument. The political cartoon, as

it’s developed (even though it hasn’t, in fact, developed much since Gillray

defined our basic schtick 200 years ago) encapsulates within itself two of the

more primitive aspects of human behaviour: humour and art. Let’s just look at

art first. While one way of looking at humankind’s use of art - or artifice - is

as a way of controlling the world, of catalysing the observed universe through

the filter of a human sensibility, the particular kind of art which cartoonists

produce - of taking recognisable individuals and then transforming them into

something recognisable but clearly and deliberately different, and thus

transformed, making their twisted representations act out demeaning or

abusive narratives of the artist’s devising - belongs, if you think about it, more

in the realm of shamanism and sympathetic magic than journalism. By rights

editors should reach for the garlic and make the sign of the evil eye when

dealing with cartoonists, but instead too many of them find it easier to bung us

on a table behind the coffee machine, pretend we’re semi-literate monkeys to

be told precisely what to do or, if they’re feeling generous and we’re lucky,

permitted to be licenced madmen free to say and draw what we want. The

chimerical nature of our product, with its collision or, perhaps more correctly,

dialectic between text and image points to its inherent schizophrenia, which

brings us back to Syd. Although, of course, he is mad, while most of us, by

and large, are not.

Politicians - the usual victims of the dark magic - tend to get the point better,

but usually enter into a self-deluding symbiosis with us, their tormentors.

They pretend they don’t mind, in the face of which we do our best to pretend

that we still matter. However mad that may be - the cliche of cliches is how

the cartoonist operates his sympathetic magic to destroy the politicians, and

they respond by buying the original and saluting the cartoonist for the simple

act of noticing them at all - it’s probably best, all round, that things are

maintained on this basis in order that we might all keep our sanity.

However, to return to those lines from "Jugland Blues" - it’s awfully

considerate of your to think of me here, and I most obliged to you for making

it clear that I’m not here. I’ve taken this as my text today, if you like, so I can

amplify specifically on what’s taking place here today. It allows me a way into

discussing the dynamic between cartoonists and the Academy, to report back,

so to speak, from the petrie dish.

Of course it’s terribly flattering to find oneself in the position of being

observed and analysed from the ivory towers of Academe. I sometimes

wonder where it gets anyone, however. To take a case in point, about a month

and a half ago I was invited to a plenary talk (and that particular adjective is

just for starters) at Birmingham University on a comic book I did a few years

ago in which I transformed T.S.Eliot’s "The Waste Land" into a

Chandleresque film noir. Now this bloody book, which took me 18 months to

produce, and which nearly drove me mad in the process, although not, at the

time, selling well, has had a curious academic half life. Thus the plenary talk

at Birmingham. Alas, no one has yet succeeded in coralling enough wild

horses to drag me, by train, to Birmingham on a Sunday evening in late

March, but I was sent a synopsis of the talk, which concluded thusly: "The

present paper interrogates Rowson’s parody for what it reveals both about the

process of narrativization and about the traffic between elite and popular

genres in the modernist period and since. The talk ... will reflect not only on

the readerly (re)construction but also on the poetics of the graphic novel, the

epistemology of detection and the heuristic uses of parody."

Some years earlier a young woman at the University of Genoa, clearly

labouring under the influence of Professor Eco, wrote her PhD thesis on my

version of "The Waste Land". She wrote to me often, as I suppose PhD

students do when their subject is still alive and in a position to write the thesis

for them. That said, one question kept recurring. Could I please tell her rom

which work of criticism did I get the idea for turning T.S.Eliot’s poem into a

detective thriller? In fact, I got the idea sitting on the lavatory when I suddenly

connected - this is what cartoonists do, connecting nothing with everything -

the scene in Howard Hawks’ film of "The Big Sleep" when the DA’s office is

dredging a car out of the Bay containing the corpse of Philip Marlowe’s

client’s chauffeur with Part 4 of The Waste Land, "Death by Water", so

"Phlebus the Phoenician, a fortnight dead" became, in my mind’s eye, a

meticulously copied drawing of the scene from the movie with the tag lines "It

was Phlebus the Phoenician - He’s been dead a fortnight." Just to take this

further for a moment, I was particular attracted to this scene because of the

circumstances of its filming. Apparently Humphrey Bogart asked Hawks what

the relevance of the dead chauffeur was to the rest of plot. Hawks, unsure,

asked the scriptwriters who, equally in the dark, phoned Chandler to ask him.

He replied that he’d forgotten. I liked that, I liked the author being too bloody

slippery or forgetful to be of any help at all. Anyway, I told the young Italian

woman, several times but each time honestly, that the way I got the idea for

the book was that I’d made it up. This, however, wouldn’t do. She simply

couldn’t accept an answer which denied her the 27 pages of bibliographical

notes and cross-references that, I must assume, make it work for the examiners

of PhD theses.

Despite my uncooperativeness, her thesis duly appeared. I have a copy. It’s in

Italian and I don’t understand a word of it. Still, she got her doctorate, so good

luck to her. It don’t, for the record, understand half the words of the synopsis

from Birmingham either, and I’m not trying to be deliberately obscurantist

here, despite a tendency among certain cartoonists to play up the faux-naif

simple soul role. Perhaps, in the two decades since I gained a very bad degree

in English Literature from Cambridge the language of academic discource has

become even more arcane and exclusive. Perhaps I wasn’t listening properly

in the first place because I was too busy drawing stupid pictures for two-bit

student rags. Or perhaps, whether it be in Italian or the secret English of the

Academy, I’m not meant to understand.

After all, these denizens of their various academies view my work - here a

particular book which, as one of its parents has kept English Departments

from their knitting for the better part of a century, appeared to be crying out

for critical exegesis - as cultural artefact, as something to be poked and

analysed and discussed and, presumably, understood. My intentions, however,

in turning Eliot’s creaking Modernist juggernaut into a pulp detective thriller

rendered, moreover, as something as tacky as a fucking comic book was to

take the piss.

The Eliot estate and its attack lawyers got the point, and descended on me like

a ton of red rocks. But in the Academy perhaps it’s not necessary to know the

author’s intentions, even when he tells you. For the good doctors in

Birmingham, my overstrained piss-taking is far less important, in terms of

learned discourse, than, I quote "de-narrativization in the process of

composition provoking re-narrativization in the process of reception",

obviously.

In mitigation I should plead on my exegesists’ behalf that they were dealing

with a book, albeit a comic book which, in the good old, pre-post-Modern

days wouldn’t have merited a second glance. It gets worse when you get me

on the day job. Last week I gave a lecture in the History of Art Faculty at

Warwick University, in their series of lectures on Image and Text. I played it,

as I normally do, for laughs, although making it kosher by talking about

Hogarth and Gillray and Low and Vicky, how and why they drew what they

did. Only then did I start showing them my own work, in a knockabout

rollercoaster gig, with lots of swearing, blood, violence, cheap gags and the

other trappings of my particular oeuvre. I’m pleased to say that they laughed.

But to my horror they were also, right until the end, still taking notes. True, it

was only afterwards that I was told that the lecture was part of the syllabus,

but what on earth were they writing down that could possibly be of any use?

My contention that the Princess Diana Memorial Garden should be planted

with landmines to stop dogs shitting on the flowerbeds? The tone of green I’d

used to paint a pool of Jo Moore puke? My jovial and truly vile cartoon about

Rupert Murdoch’s prostate cancer ("You see that poor tumour over there?

He’s got Murdoch!" "It’s worse than that, the Murdoch’s malignant!"). I

honestly don’t know. Moreover, I don’t know whether I was teaching, or

being used as a teaching aid. Well, good luck to them, but likewise God help

them.

That said, of course, what people choose to do with what I’ve done, after I’ve

done it, is really none of my business. Once it’s in the public domain I have no control over

whether it’s stuck on someone’s fridge, used to line a budgie cage, screwed up

in disgust and rage or becomes the subject, in 20,000 words, of the results of

careful "reading". All I know is that some, but by no means all, of the readers

of the paper or magazine my cartoon has appeared in will look at it for, at best,

13 seconds and then move on. They may smile, they may frown, they may

remember it, they may forget it.

Excuse me. I’m being both ungracious and ungrateful here. For a cheap hack

like me it’s both a privilege and a pleasure to be invited up onto high table,

even if it’s only so you’ll see how discreetly I dispose of my cherry stones. As

a cartoonist, obviously I’ll spit them in your eye. That’s what we do, that’s our

function, as court-jesters, as holy fools, as piss-takers. So forgive me while I

piss on your curtains, but what do you expect?

Review of "Humour Books", Independent on Sunday, published by Rich Hobbs

There is a warning printed on the cover of Da Gospel According to Ali G (4th

Estate, £12.99)

which reads "Parental Advisory Explicit Content", which I rather hope will set

a trend. Thus the little tiny book The Languid Goat is Always Thin: The

World’s Strangest Proverbs (Prion, £3.99) should have a warning sticker

saying "Choking Hazard! Not Suitable For Under 36 Months". Likewise

Absolutely Fabulous by Jennifer Saunders (Headline, £14.99), a big thick

book of photos of the cast of the TV programme pulling faces for the polaroid,

should have the warning sticker "DANGER! LAZY SMUGNESS HAZARD!

SELF-SATISFIED STARS BECOMING WHAT THEY ONCE SATIRISED!

AVOID!" We could go on forever here. TV Go Home: TV Listings the Way

They Should Be (4th Estate, £9.99), an almost unreadably dense and

foulmouthed parody of The Radio Times, has the same warning on it as on the

dreadful abortion of a book published under the name of Ali G, the Al Jolson

de nos jours. What the sticker on TV Go Home should say, however, is

"WARNING! If you are a parent your 13 year-old son and his mates will find

this book much funnier than you will".

Then there are those books which truly belong in a different medium but

which lazy, evil, greedy publishers continue to inflict on us every year without

respite. Why don’t Only Fools and Horses: The Bible of Peckham Volume 3

(BBC £16.99) or The League of Gentlemen: A Local Book for Local People

(4th Estate, £8.99) have stickers on them saying "WARNING! This is not a

Television. Buy the videos instead"?

And I really feel there should be some kind of warning appended to the

following books,

Cassell’s Humorous Quotations (ed. Nigel Rees, £20.00), The Oxford

Dictionary of Humorous Quotations (ed. Ned Sherrin, £18.99), The Penguin

Dictionary of Modern Humorous Quotations (ed. Fred Metcalf, with an

introduction - big deal! - by the Executive Producer of "The Simpsons",

£16.99), The Penguin Dictionary of Epigrams (ed. Mark Cohen, £12.99) and

The Ruling Asses: A Little Book of Political Stupidity (Prion, edited by

Stephen Robbins, £9.99). Only a reviewer with infinite patience, iron-like will

and an immense private income is actually going to read these rib-tickling

doorstops to compare and contrast the quality of their side-splitting selections

of bon mots, so instead I opened each volume at random and read my family

one of the quotations therein. Not a flicker of a smile from anyone. Stuck to

these books, then, should be "WARNING! Strictly Speech-writing Rotarians

ONLY!"

So much for my usual mutter of "Humbug!" at this Christmas’s selection.

However, there’s room for one more warning sticker, which should be

whacked on the front of Frank Skinner’s Frank Skinner (Century, £16.99).

I must admit that when I saw I had to review this book,

there was a little funeral in my heart: I’ve never been much taken

with Skinner’s laddish schtick, and cannot share his twin enthusiasms for

either football or his charmless and unfunny mate David Baddiel (of whom

Victor Lewis-Smith definitively said, "from Baddiel to worsiel"). But this

book is actually very very good. The point about Skinner is that he’s a lot

smarter than he’d like us to realise, and it’s no lie to say that Frank Skinner is

up there with Tristram Shandy as a brilliantly effective book about writing a

book, filled with expertly handled but apparently wild digressions and endless

longueurs about the boons and bugbears of writing a showbiz autobiography

about writing a showbiz biography. Given his 1st class degree in Eng.Lit.

(shhhh) this is almost certainly deliberate. But more than that, the book is also,

in turns, hilariously honest and deeply moving, particularly when he’s writing

about the death of his parents or his personal relationship with God (no,

really). I cried, and I also laughed so much at his description of his first sexual

encounter I fell off my chair, although whether this passage can best be

described as Dostoyevskian or in homage to Henry Miller will be down to

future generations of Eng.Lit. students to decide. So what should the sticker

read? "WARNING! THIS BOOK IS MUCH BETTER THAN YOU HAVE

ANY RIGHT TO EXPECT".

No stickers required for the rest of my selection, because you know just what

you’re getting. Those excellent people at Bloomsbury are continuing their

public spirited publication of the complete oeuvre of the late, great and

hilariously morbid Edward Gorey with The Iron Tonic (Bloomsbury, £5.99).

Equally welcome are Steve Bell’s Unstoppable If... (Methuen, £10.99) and

Nature Notes III (Little, Brown, £15.00), an anthology of his anthropomorphic

Times series by the indisputably groovy Peter Brookes, although I did notice

an increase in the shit and piss quota in these cartoons, which struck me as a

flagrant muscling in on my territory. Also dependably hilarious is The Best of

Matt (Orion £4.99), a selection of Matt Pritchett’s pocket cartoons from the

front page of The Telegraph, and generally the only good thing in that paper.

The same can be said on all counts of The Spectator Cartoon Book 2001

(Profile, £3.99), edited by Michael Heath. Then there are collections from

three truly great cartoonists, Sempe’s The World According to Sempe (The

Harvill Press, £15.00), Ed McLachlan’s eponymous McLachlan (Methuen

£9.99), being the best cartoons from over 40 years by Britain’s very own

Charles Addams, and Gilbert Shelton’s The Complete Fabulous Furry Freak

Brothers: Volume One (Knockabout, £22.99). The amazing thing about

Shelton’s definitive 60s underground comic strip is that you can still turn on,

tune in, drop out and laugh, which is fabulous and furry indeed.

Finally, for my money the best "humorous" book this year. Craig Brown’s The

Marsh Marlowe Letters (Prion Humour Classics, £8.99) was the great

parodist’s first book, written with magnificent venom in a shack in Suffolk in

1983, and satirising the kind of fogeyish establishment collected

correspondence so beloved of good and great old buffers choosing their books

of the year in Sunday newspapers. Supposedly letters exchanged between a

publisher and his old schoolmaster, along the way they not only skewer almost

every public figure (most of them Brown’s personal enemies) from Clive

James and Frederic Raphael upwards, but also just the kind of crap publishers

bemerde you and me with every Yuletide. Read about Harvey Marsh’s

chairmanship of the Funny Books Committee (should the Bible be included?)

and you need read no other "humorous" books this year. For which relief,

much thanks.

On 9/11, for the Guardian website, published by Rich Hobbs

There are certain events so horrific that the only decent response seems to be

stunned silence.

Last Tuesday’s atrocity in New York was for me, as a cartoonist, one of those

events - and yet I had to produce a cartoon for the next day’s "Scotsman",

which was fantastically difficult.

It’s because of how cartoons work and how people perceive them as working.

The problem wasn’t that I was obliged to produce a visual reaction to the

bombings - in fact, the media coverage has been mostly visual, from the

footage of the planes striking and the towers collapsing repeated over and over

again to the pages and pages and pages of pictures of the tragedy unfolding

that filled Wednesday’s papers. Nor, in journalistic terms, should one remain

silent: these events demanded explanation, and have reaped thousands of

column inches of opinion, analysis and speculaion. My problem as a

cartoonist is that I fall somewhere between those commentless photographs

bearing witness and the babel arising from the pundits: indeed, I often

describe myself as a visual journalist, producing editorialising illustration

because I have strong opinions on many subjects. Moreover, the singular trick

of the newspaper cartoon is that it gains its power in saying what it does

through using humour. My problem, in the immediate aftermath of the

Manhattan bombings, was that I had nothing to say and none of what was

happening was funny.

The rational and emotional response to the mixture of ideas, words and images

that constitute a cartoon is different from the response to either the written

word or a straight illustration or photograph. This is because of the immediacy

with which a cartoon is "read", and the frequently visceral nature of the image

and the reader’s response to what they see. As a result of all that I was

extremely sensitive to the heightened sensitivities of the readers, let alone the

heightened sensitivity of editors to their readers’ heightened sensitivity.

Although there was a great deal to be said - about Star Wars, about Bush’s

inadequate response, about the festering sore of the Palestinian/Israeli stand-

off, about the kulturkampf between Islam and the rest of the Modern World - I

just knew that, for a couple of days, at least, a cartoon was too blunt an

instrument to say these things adequately without causing huge offense and

also making me feel like an insensitive schmuck.

So, I did what I usually deplore, and drew a "Why oh why" cartoon of the

Statue of Liberty being engulfed by a monstrous cloud rising up from Lower

Manhattan. Since then, to my embarrassment, I’ve drawn a weeping Statue of

Liberty, and been soundly told off by Steve Bell for my hackneyed cowardice.

When I filed the cartoon to the Scotsman, I ‘phoned the comment editor and

told him that the cartoon was completely meaningless and said nothing.

"That’s about the right tone for the moment", he replied, and he was right.

Inevitably several readers complained.

On Madness, for Index on Censorship, published by Rich Hobbs

"In that direction," the Cat said, waving its right paw round, "lives a

Hatter: and in that direction, "waving the other paw, "lives a March Hare.

Visit either you like: they’re both mad."

"But I don’t want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.

"Oh, you can’t help that, "said the Cat: "we’re all mad here. I’m mad.

You’re mad."

You can appreciate Alice’s problem. Although the narrative parameters of

"Alice in Wonderland" place her in a dreamland, a oceanic maelstrom of

irrationality and unreality, within the context of the hyper-reality often

experienced in dreams she’s constantly sub-

consciously conscious of being the only sane Ulysses on an insane Odyssey.

But things wouldn’t have been much better once she woke up. Mad hatters

were proverbially mad as an occupational hazard: the mercurial steam they

used to mould the material they made the hats from drove them mad as a

matter of course; likewise, hares in March, in rutt, behave with such abnormal

abandon (for hares) that they are, by definition, mad.

But let’s stick with humans. Back from the rather terrifying (if amusing)

endemic madness of Wonderland, Alice found herself in a society which was

also endemically mad. The free and legal availability of opiates, taken with the

cocktail of chemicals the Victorians breathed courtesy of their industrial

revolution, meant that most of them were, at the very least, peculiar: the

cavalcade of eccentrics portrayed by Dickens are, by these lights, less likely to

be irritating whimsy than rather grim documentary. And it’s a small step from

that eccentricity to the Victorian fondness for Nonsense. Edward Lear’s fear

of his epilepsy (is that a kind of madness?) led him to disguise it with a

studied eccentricity that teetered on madness - he couched his only proposal of

marriage in an earnest inquiry of whether his beloved could sharpen pencils:

she said she couldn’t, so he said "oh dear" and walked away - while he found

comfort in Nonsense, an irrational security blanket to clutch in the face of an

unforgivingly Rational world.

After a career depicting the madness of the World, the great satirical

caricaturist James Gillray is believed to have leaped to his death from his

garret window above Mrs Humphrey’s print shop, a fortnight before the Battle

of Waterloo and eight years after he’d sunk into madness himself. He was the

only one of six children to reach adulthood, and was brought up as a

Moravian, a Protestant sect that viewed the world with horror and welcome

death as a (literally) blessed release; as he got older he suffered increasingly

from morbid depression and was growingly obsessed by his failing eyesight, a

condition exacerbated by his prolonged exposure to nitric acid, a chemical

central to the etching process. Did that help him, like the Mad Hatter, go mad,

or was it the circumstances of his childhood? Whatever the cause (and we

shouldn’t forget another kind of occupational hazard, the savage intensity with

which he chronicled a Mad World driving him, like Swift and Goya, mad too)

during a period of brief lucidity in 1813 Gillray gave an audience to Mrs

Humphrey’s latest protege George Cruikshank. The purpose of the audience

seems to have been a sort of satirical blessing, a kind of caricaturist’s apostolic

succession, but all Gillray would say was "You are not Cruikshank, but

Addison; my name is not Gillray, but Rubens." Cruikshank went away

unblessed, but later acquired Gillray’s table if not his madness. Later in his

career, when most people dismissed him as irredeemably eccentric,

Cruikshank became a warrior for Temperance, the Victorians’ very own War

on Drugs, against a self-imposed and not always temporary madness. Indeed,

they called it "Drink-madness", a blight on both productivity and decent

morality, even though, in his will, Cruikshank left his wine cellar to his

mistress.

No human society has ever existed without some psychotropic or mood-

altering mechanism to allow us to look at the world in a different light to the

harsh and unbearable glare of Reality, be it booze, fags, dope, chocolate,

Dionysiac frenzies, political monomania or just sitting still and meditating on

the unknowable infinite. I’m told that if you don’t eat for a fortnight you get

wonderful visions, as religious mystics have for centuries. You can achieve

the same effect with Benalyn expectorant and vodka chasers. Gillray’s

contemporary William Blake seems to achieved this without the outside

catalyst, and is now universally recognised as the greatest English visionary,

offering us sight, two hundred years later, of a different, mystical, spiritual

England in opposition to the tyranny of Reason we’re currently enthralled to.

But look at his work, at those tiny, tiny printed pages (produced and coloured

in the same poisonous miasma that Gillray worked in) crammed with text

which then curls, madly, up into the margins to hammer the elusive point

home. This is the text-book stuff of schitzophrenia.

But so what? About twenty years ago an article in the British Medical Journal

deplored advances in the treatment of syphilis because the extirpation of

General Paralysis of the Insane, a frequent symptom of tertiary syphilis,

denied our antiseptic world the mad genius of Van Gogh, Nietzsche, Schubert

and many others. Unkissed by Venus, the Victorian painter Richard Dadd did

his best work in Bedlam, after going mad and killing his father with an axe.

The cat painter Louis Wain ended up in the same place, only with difficulty

explaining to a passing visitor that not only did he paint like Louis Wain, but

he was Louis Wain. "Of course you are," purred his well-meaning

interlocutor. Earlier, of course, Hogarth’s Rake ended up in a different

Bedlam, elsewhere, as an awful warning to the rest of us, before Madness

came to rank equal with Death as an exquisite and slightly delicious Romantic

fate. Think of Ruskin and the first Mrs Rochester. Much later think of hippy

Romance and the Rock ‘n’ Roll martyr Syd Barrett, the founding genius of

Pink Floyd, still alive but lost to us forever after frying his brain with LSD,

opening the Doors of Perception and thereafter drawing a blank.

And let’s finish with mad Dean Swift writing, in A Tale of a Tub, his

"Digression concerning the Original, the Use, and Improvement of Madness in

a Commonwealth", where madness, as manifested in political megalomania

and belicosity, is equated with an excess of semen being diverted to and

infecting the brain or the inability to have a damn good shit. The gag - the

ironic point - is that the inmates of Bedlam would function perfectly well in

the law, medicine, the church and politics if released into the outside world. In

between the ironies, however, is Swift’s true lesson, which is tolerance: it’s

the truly mad who, through philosophy, religion or politics, seek to make

everyone the same as them. In the face of this universally prevalent Madness,

Swift advises that we seek "the serene peaceful state, of being a fool among

knaves."