Just consider, everybody knows how boring you’ve become,
Covid-19 is rife round here - you instantly succumb,
Your fingers, toes & arse & nose are worryingly numb,
You’ve just found out your fiancée is actually your mum,
The soup you sip served as the bath through which a rat has swum,
The silver foil around your bong’s made of uranium,
You buccaneer the Spanish Main but are clean out of rum,
Your children simply won’t leave home and leave it like a slum,
You hear the distant sound of Ed Sheerin begin to strum,
You feel your uncle’s hand inside your jock-strap in the scrum,
You realise it’s now been eleven years since you’ve come,
That flash of purest genius last night was *really* dumb,
Everything you touch turns into shit at once - ho hum,
You find in life’s great lottery Piers Morgan’s your best chum,
No figure in Greek Tragedy sank to the depths you plumb,
You recognise an ex-lover’s tattoo on your new drum,
You wander past some roadkill and you drool out loud “Yum yum!”
Your birthday cake’s so foully baked you cannot eat a crumb,
Your boss started at primary school at the Millennium,
That’s actually an Oxo cube and not some opium,
Your ex-spouse warns your kids about your equilibrium,
At La Scala, in your aria, you forget the words and hum,
There’s a smell like rotting cabbage emanating from your thumb
And then, to cap it all, you’ve got a lobster up your bum...
But reflect, although you’re wrecked, in one major respect,
However much you’re stressed
Your life is truly blessed!
But how? I’m sure you’ve guessed:
You Are Not Tory Scum
Tory Scum
Tory Scum
Tory Scum
Tory Scum
Just thank Jesus Christ Almighty that you are not Tory Scum!
(Repeat forever)