Do Etonians eat onions
With a Georgian silver spoon?
Do Harrovians drive horror vans
Beneath a blood red moon?
Are all Alleynians aliens,
Green Martians neath the skin?
Do Wykehamists hold wiccan rites
And sacrifice their kin?
Are Carthusians Cartesians,
Just dualistic boobs?
And do Salopians hatch from eggs
And not fallopian tubes?
Do Roedeanians ride on
Rhodesian ridgebacks?
Have any of these brats suffered
From physical attacks?
Do Marlburians smoke Malboros?
Are Stoics stoic? (Yes I know,
But this is what they call those pricks
Who went to school at Stowe)
And do Fettesians fetishise
How fitting is the fate
Of children who are taught to think
They’re smart, and good, and great?
But eliminate alumni
And I’m told you’ll find the jobs
The nation needs done urgently
Will all be done by yobs,
Unschooled and undependable,
And simply the wrong tool
To sort out track and trace or PPE,
And why? Wrong school!
But if you ask a favour
From a nice Public School kid
There’s every chance they’ll do it
For under a million quid!