Plague Songs - When They Made A Scarecrow Pharaoh by Rich Hobbs

When they made a scarecrow Pharaoh

    I no longer really cared,

Though the smile cut in his pumpkin head

    Was already turning mushy,

The straw stuffing his rich, bejewelled robes

    Was sodden with the damp it soaked up 

        From the flooded throne room floor

And when they tried to move him

    Dead mice fell by the dozen from his golden cuffs.

And the seeds of rye that padded out

    His fat pharaonic arse

Became peppered with a bloom of ergot

    Which sent spoors into the granaries

        Borne by the gritty winds

Thereafter sending the whole Middle Kingdom

    Mad.

But I found it hard to feel a thing beyond

    A begrudging sort of boredom.

That said, after the termites ate the 

    Heka and Nekhakha

The courtiers bodged to give Pharaoh a backbone

    To prop his scarecrow corpse up

And he folded and collapsed 

    In dust and compost,

I might have then half smiled.

For at that very instant

    a murder of crows flew in from roosts beyond the Sphinx

        and with a certain irony

Built nests amidst the wreckage.

Plague Songs - Barbarians by Rich Hobbs

The barbarians are not at the gates.

    They’re through the gates.

        They built the gates,

Granting ingress through the walls they built

    From what they pillaged from your homes

To hang from them the gates they fashioned

    From your children’s bones.

The barbarians aren’t at the gates.

    They threw up gates 

        To other gates

To herd us to the temples spired with gold,

    Wherein we’re sacrificed and might appease

The gods they fear and thus ward off

    Barbarian disease.

The barbarians are not at the gates.

    Their loping gait’s

        A measured gait;

Barbarian ways have been refined;

    Silk shirts replacing uncured yak pelt hats.

Yet farts still follow through, with orange shit

    Speckling their spats.

The barbarians aren’t at the gates.

    They’re far too great,

        And it’s too late

To get all pious about integrity and truth

    Or simple kindness, with a rueful pang.

We’ve known them far too long so know that that’s not

    How barbarians hang.

Plague Songs - 23rd May by Rich Hobbs

What if, instead of Lockdown, we had lockjaw,
Some viral way to shut the fuckers up,
Those Tory trolls who think that, if they shock more,
This fills to brimming o’er life’s joyful cup?

What if, to spread the lockjaw, we had locksmiths 
To padlock all these wankers gob to arse?
Would we be spared the bastards shit filled crocks if
We centipeded them & their whole class?

What if, on top of locksmiths, we had lockets
Containing pictures of those we hold dear
They wouldn’t contain clowns in rich men’s pockets.
I trust that I’ve now made the whole thing clear.

Plague Songs - They’ve Cancelled Death by Rich Hobbs

They cancelled Glasto, Wimbledon, the fete,

So now they’ve cancelled Death -

Though with the promise it’ll be back here next year.

It seems it isn’t safe.

That social distancing the teeming souls

Along the Styx’s sepulchral banks won’t wash.

And so a cos-play minister,

Another mediocre crank who’s just short-strawed the presser,

Lies and squeals “Another first for Britain!”

Ranks of caught reporters’ heads,

Like bits and bobs some nutcase keeps in jars to sate his scientific interest,

Nod from the surrounding screens.

So they furloughed the plumed horses,

The gravediggers and morticians,

While the crematoria cooled.

And the sick get sicker

With no chances of a last blessed release,

Just stacked in artics spiralling round each town.

And irrespective of their recent callous flush,

The care homes become black holes of Calcutta,

A leafy streeted scandal now a tinderbox that never quite explodes.

And if some whining trolls in The Spectator

Demand their Right to Die as English Freedom’s Bounty,

We all just check our phones

Then zoom Eternity

Connecting to the Great Beyond remotely

With a screenful of screaming brown snowstorming static

And furtively check emails,

And maybe nod if some white noise grabs at something edging sense,

Paying no attention to the far off comedy screams.

Plague Song - Pallbearers by Rich Hobbs

Auntie Sarah’s 

Carer’s 

Pallbearers’ 

Nostrils flare as 

They imperceptibly shift the weight on all four of them there.

And in a world that’s been declared 

As fit simply for billionaires 

Don’t fret you can’t compare 

Whether this or that is fair. 

However clean the air is, 

However loud the prayers 

And however fixed the pallbearers’ 

Long, inscrutable stares, 

It’s invariably rare 

    That a shroud becomes its wearer.

Plague Songs - number 3 by Rich Hobbs

What Could Possibly Go Wrong

A deep sea diver jounces through Atlanta’s sunken streets,

Their diving boots as heavy as regret.

A hedgerow grows up through a scree of hedgies’ bones,

Piled, smashed, a full five fathoms’ worth of air

Below a previous window.

It has long since crashed,

Just like the system, 

Into ruins.

A fawn tip-toes on its tony hooves

Through leaf litters of derivatives.

Bats roost in a useless legislative chamber’s

Few remaining rafters.

Orca sing near Moorgate.

But the tiny glimpses of a billion futures,

Fragile as flecks of fishfood floating in a tank of hungry tench

Are gone as soon as you awake,

Dog-tired,

To face another dreadful day

Farming triffids for their oil.

Plague Songs - number 2 by Rich Hobbs

Dirty Nasty Lockdown

Come lads! What’s wrong with Lock Down?

Perfect time to wind the clock down

We’re kings now! Wear an ad hoc crown!

Beyond the gaze of coppers! Mock Down

Syndrome kiddies! Wear a frock! Drown

Stray cats in the pond! Sjambok brown

Bastards steal our jobs, then knock down

20 pints and get yer cock down

Yer best mate’s throat, then get it pocked brown

Bumming all your pets!

Phwoar!

That’s Lock Down!

Plague Songs - Freedom by Rich Hobbs

There’s a bored baboon who’s wanking on the bonnet of our car

In an empty precinct lined by closed up shops

And there is in his demeanour something telling us, thus far,

There’s no real point in trying to call the cops.

Before he’d started wanking he had shat, & through it squirmed

Foul parasites that grinned & coiled like vipers

And his face did not reveal just what such things might have confirmed

As the baboon ripped off both our windscreen wipers.

An iron collar round his neck had worn a scarlet weal,

Rusty chains thread from it to a distant door

Where a short man's counting money that he stole from an appeal

Celebrities had got up for the poor.

He comes to climax. Christ! The beast's spunk stinks of stale iced buns!

He weeps - the poor thing’s very highly strung.

He’d been dreaming about liberals being hunted down with guns,

Eugenics, vaccines, tax and Toby Young.

Then the baboon bares his yellow fangs & pimps his purple arse

And lifts a leg to copiously pee

In our faces, thankfully protected by the windscreen glass,

And both of us imagine that we’re free.

There’s a bored baboon still wanking on the bonnet of our car.

We stare at him and he stares back at us.

And neither of us thinks that things would not have got this far

If only we had thought to catch the bus.

Plague Songs - Killer Matt by Rich Hobbs

Harold Shipman down in hell looks up in envy;

In his Broadmore cell Pete Sutcliffe heaves a sigh,

For neither one could match

The speed and the despatch

Of KILLER MATT slapsticking who should die.

And Goering doffs his crown of deadly nightshade,

Holds it aloft and coos “See if this fits!

Let’s forget our wartime quarrels!

KILLER MATT deserves the laurels!

He’s killed off more than I did in the Blitz!”

Killer Matt! Killer Matt!

He knocks into a cocked hat

The tales of murderers in days of yore!

Killer Matt! Killer Matt! 

A machine-gun’s rat-a-tat

On the Western Front could not kill any more!

He’s killed your gran & grandad and their carers,

A super serial-killer, still at large

Whose Ambassadors of Death

Unaware killed with their breath

Untested when the poor souls were discharged!

Though uncowled, he’s both grim & mediocre,

And has spread more plague than a Sumatran rat:

With his first in PPE

He lies on the BBC

And he’ll get away with it, will KILLER MATT!

Killer Matt! Killer Matt!

Next he’ll cross-infect your cat!

He’s the Tory Party’s Fred West! Killer Matt!

And nobody can smirk 

And make it look like such hard work

As can the King of Killers, Killer Matt!

Killer Matt! Killer Matt!

Is that drool on his cravat?

Does he now exude a heady graveyard smell?

But he’ll get his just reward

When the murderers applaud

His inevitable homecoming in Hell.

Plague Songs - Rainbows by Rich Hobbs

Red
Orange
Yellow
Green
Blue
Indigo
Violet

Remember
Outside?
Your
Government
Boasts
It’s
Victorious!

Rightly
Outraged?
You 
Get
Back
Indoors,
Viper!

Rubbish
Orator
Yelps
Greasily
Before
Inspiring
Violence

Reality
Obliges
Your 
Granny
Be
Interred
Virtually.

Red
Orange
Yellow
Green
Blue
Indigo
Virus.

Plague Songs - Haute Couture (in the High Style) by Rich Hobbs

The husks of harvested cocoons 

    Lie strewn across the salon floor

        Like skulls from a late 14th century Asiatic battle;

The zinc baths bristle, acidically

    drizzling dissolving gristle into vats

        to liberate the trim from taints of flesh

And knurled thimbles, prized,

    Are prised from pricking thumbs to roll

        Quite unsurprisingly beneath the plan chest in the corner.

They fall from hands whose spans

    Have spun the looms to stretch the thread

        Towards the invisibility of spiders’ silk

            And as inescapably, webbily, envelopingly sticky as a swab.

And the stitching is exquisite.

    The patterns in the plan chest, chalked templates

        Covering greasy tracing paper & pinpricked to a bruise,

He cuts a different way.

But the stitching is exquisite,

    Warp and wefting through the billions of junctions,

        Just snagging for a second on the pointillistic air

            Then double stitching through each brace of lungs, then to the next

                In blurs of movement sleeker than machines.

He leans back, half admires the cut,

    Glances at her sleeping, listless, sad,

        Eczema’d by human greed and folly. 

Then he drapes the garment, intangible as dreams

        And gossamer as an escaping thought and sheer as a miniscus

Across her curving form.

Earth bridles, yawns, then shrugs. 

    And then snuggles and rubs her warming Arctic 

        Against his mushroom stubble.

“Oh darling!” purrs the planet, 

    And hugging her Pandemic frock around her, smiles and coos

        “My clever virus! This is just divine!”

Elsewhere some low, unhappy creatures

    Farmed for fur and fury

        And non-consensually essential to High Fashion,

Continue coughing in their crates.

Plague Songs - Herd Immunity by Rich Hobbs

When they come to write the epics 

Of these dark times, will a prefix 

    By a future critic opine “Woe is me!” 

Showing how the poets fudged 

Their duty as they nudged 

    Us all to roam through realms of poesy? 

And will each gruesome saga 

Drive its tearful readers gaga 

    As it adumbrates the politicians’ crimes? 

And shall each mournful sonnet 

Have the Mark of Cain upon it 

    Through the simple absences of some true rhymes? 

For the poetical lever 

That we need to lift this fever 

    Needs bards! Proclaiming rhymes! In echoing halls! 

For while I guess I’m like you 

And I’ll tolerate a haiku 

    In grim times verse sans rhymes is utter balls. 

Nor will some weedy loner 

Serve in just rhyming “Corona” 

    With “donor”, “boner”, “stoner”; nor inspire us, 

And our victory will be pyrrhical 

If we’ve limited The Lyrical 

    By copping out and singing of “The Virus”. 

True, its name’s “Covid-19” 

And a poetry machine 

    Might just wrangle that last number into verse 

Though verses arithmetical 

Are cruelly antithetical 

    To poetry and make the whole thing worse. 

Nor does “Ovid isn’t bovvered” 

Nor “Livid” have it covered; 

    Leave assonance to asses like Luke Wright 

We need “COVID’s” one true rhyme 

To distinguish us from slime 

    And set our yearning human souls alight! 

But the one true rhyme for “Covid” 

Is – unfortunately – “Bovid”; 

    That is, pertaining to or just like cattle, 

And in this foul Pandemic 

We need something more anthemic 

    Than mooing to our deaths in this great battle. 

So leave your escritoire 

And abjure the abattoir! 

    Plato was right, as every schoolboy knows! 

Eschew verse, my dear old mucker! 

We’ll obliterate this fucker 

    By addressing the repulsive cunt in prose!

Plague Songs - Following The Science by Rich Hobbs

I’m following the Science!

Like a lost but trusting waif

I’m chasing after wisdom

And a promise I’ll be safe.

I’m following the Science

For its methodology

Will manufacture better worlds

Just made for you and me

As I’m following the Science

Right across the bright green fields

Left unbereft by insect deaths

And with new five fold yields

And I’m following the Science

As it leads me through the woods,

Through thickets of appliances

And dumped consumer goods

Then I’m following the Science

Though I don’t know what it means

When it hurries me past clearings full

Of gods caught in machines

Still, I’m following the Science,

Past jarred body parts in brine,

Caught up in roots with some pursuits

Of Dr Frankenstein’s

And I’m following the Science

Straight past Cottontail & Flopsy

And  Peter Rabbit in a cage

Awaiting an autopsy

And I’m following the Science

Which now decks me with a halter

To lead me through the deep dark wood 

To a thing built like an altar

Then I’m following the Science

Deeper in, and on we race,

And the Science hands me callipers

For measuring my face

And I’m following the Science

To see how you can be me

Through the science of eugenics

With a can of Zyklon B

And I’m following the Science

As we fall down a black hole

To the bottom where a boffin

Is now genemapping my soul

Til I’m following the Science

To the surface, with aplomb,

To emerge deep in a desert 

Where it’s built an atom bomb

Then I’m following the Science

With Apollo! Riding pillion

I’ll trawl his halls for carbon spoils

At 500 parts per million

And I’m following the Science!

Though by now I’m double-blinded

So I can’t see its complicity

In the crimes that humankind did

Through following the Science,

Nor the planet that we’ve wanked on,

For the Science seldom makes it clear

That we’re no more than plankton

And following the Science

While tugging at our cocks

Has merely helped to bind us

To Prometheus’s rocks.

So sure, follow the Science, 

But calculate the odds.

Scientists are human too,

And Heaven has no Gods.

Plague Songs - Anchorites by Rich Hobbs

Now listen. So this wanker, right, 

Says “You must all be anchorites! 

Stay in! Watch ‘Casablanca’, right? 

Or you’ll all die point blank!” Oh right! 

So we all became anchorites, 

In our own Lubyankas, right? 

Observing our own danker rites 

To help outsmart this canker, right? 

Like thresholding clapped thanks. Yeah, right. 

Then, when we’d all been anchorites 

Once more he jawed, this wanker, right? 

And drawled, “My favourite crank, all right, 

Says you’re all thick as planks! Ah, right! 

And now you must all hanker, right, 

For freedom! So up-anchor! Right!” 

He didn’t add that bankers’ right 

To growing assets shrank all right 

The longer we were anchorites. 

But Wealth will Death outrank! Yeah! Right! 

They need their bleeding shanks, all right? 

So when the cell door clanks, all right, 

The outside world’s the tank! Oh. Right.

And so we all stayed anchorites 

Inside or out. It stank all right, 

But try and get your rancour right 

And dream how we’ll outflank the right 

Once we’re massed ranks of anchorites, 

Our hanks of hair all lank, all right, 

Once we amass as anchorites, 

A mass of anchorites. Yeah, right. 

A mass of anchorites.

Plague Songs - Witches by Rich Hobbs

Growing older has its hitches 

As the body suffers glitches 

Til you think that every itch is 

Proof you harbour inner snitches 

Who’ll grass you up to Death, whose stitches 

Will bind your shroud before she ditches 

You in the grave as black as pitch is, 

And deadly duller than Ipswich is. 

And so we all ape dumb ostriches; 

Try to ignore all random twitches; 

Say Life’s so easy – like Quidditch is - 

But all the while we hear the scritches 

Of Death’s nib... So embrace Life’s riches 

While you can! And yet, the bitch is 

Growing older has its hitches 

As the body suffers glitches...

But now my turds all float! Like witches!!

Plague Songs - The Enemy Within: A Paranoid Round in a Time of Pestilence by Rich Hobbs

Each time I cough

    To clear my throat 

I wonder what 

    This might denote 

And then my thoughts 

    Start going viral 

In an endless 

    Downwards spiral: 

That cough is 

    Obviously Corona! 

I’m harbouring 

    An inner Jonah

To shipwreck me! 

    A tracheal traitor 

Who’ll haul me 

    To the ventilator! 

Inflaming my 

    Raw alveoli 

Into swollen 

    Ravioli 

And every rattling 

    Gob of phlegm’s 

Shortcutting me 

    To lonely crems 

So fast the fucker’s 

    Gone ballistic 

To fit me up 

    As a statistic!

My airways block! 

    Air can’t get through! 

I’ll isolate 

    To ICU... 

Then I calm down. 

    The airways clear; 

My breathlessness 

    Was just my fear;

I don’t yet need 

    An autopsy; 

We’re all in this 

    And not just me! 

And then I cough 

To clear my throat...

Book Review of Saul Steinberg’s "The Labyrinth", published in Apollo Magazine by Rich Hobbs

The Romanian-American cartoonist Saul Steinberg was a distinctly mid-20th

century phenomenon of a type which is now so familiar we tend to forget how

bizarre it truly is. He was born in 1914 to second and third generation Russian

Jewish immigrants in a small town in Romania, a country only 47 years old at

the time of his birth. His father was a printer and bookbinder. Steinberg later

said he grew up in "the Turkish Delight manner": that is, in a cultural milieu

where Ottoman and western European ideas and styles intermingled and

cross-fertilised each other, though after the First World War the Romanian political

climate was increasingly informed by the rise of anti-Semitic nationalism.

Having initially entered Bucharest University to read philosophy, aged 19

Steinberg transferred to the Politicnico in Milan to study architecture, but 8

years later was forced into hiding when Fascist Italy, at the behest of its

wartime ally Germany, introduced vicious anti-Semitic racial laws.

He was later arrested and spent a month in a detention camp before being released and

fleeing to neutral Portugal, thence to the United States, where he was denied

entry at Ellis Island because he’d doctored his passport with a fake visa to

board ship in Lisbon. He then spent a year in the Dominican Republic waiting

for a genuine US visa. During this time his work started appearing regularly in

The New Yorker, who thereafter helped expedite his application.

Here it’s important to remember that Steinberg’s most famous image is the

1976 New Yorker cover "The View of 9th Avenue", a vision of the rest of

America and, indeed, the world as a small and insignificant outskirt of

Manhattan, just across the Hudson River. It’s often been described as both the

greatest magazine cover of all time and also as an unwittingly self-

damning example of elitist and self-absorbed Manhattan parochialism from a

man who was a fixture at The New Yorker for 60 years. It’s also been parodied

so often Steinberg was finally compelled to go to court to assert his copyright

over the image (a recourse also taken, over the years, by William Hogarth and

Ralph Steadman). Steinberg also grew to resent the image as he feared it

would eclipse everything else he’d done.

That may well be true by now, but it’s a shame if it is. Far more interesting is

how Steinberg, among many many others, fled ancient Christian, Tsarist,

nationalist, fascist European barbarism and ended up helping create a very

specifically (and instantly recognisable) New York brand of highly refined,

achingly cool Modernist civilisation. It’s "Mad Men", sleek cocktail shakers,

lofts, streamline, tiny paper napkins on a table in a darkened room, the people

sat round it barely visible but duly amazed by the weirdness of their own

imaginings. I think you know what I mean.

Steinberg was loudly lauded for his contribution to this aesthetic for decades,

mostly by the kind of European Modernist he’d found himself forced to flee.

Le Corbusier told him "you draw like a king"; he was also praised by Harold

Rosenberg, Saul Bellow, Ernst Gombrich, Italo Calvino, Eugene Ionesco and

Roland Barthes, thus attaining the kind of cultural superstardom few

cartoonists ever achieve. Ronald Searle and Ralph Steadman come close, but

not as close as Steinberg in bridging the chasm of perception between what

"cartooning" is often assumed to be - cheaply reproduced silly scribbles

knocked out to make you laugh - and "art", which of course is something

much much nobler. Or so we’re told. (I have personal experience of the width

of this chasm in action. A few years ago Maggie Hambling & I walked round

the Tate’s Francis Bacon retrospective for Radio 4's "Front Row", and I

described an early Bacon painting of a baboon as so accurate in its capturing

of the baboonness of the baboon that it was, as I phrased it, "caricaturally

great". Hambling was furious that I should describe Bacon as a "mere

caricaturist" and demanded I retract this foul slur.)

Given this hierarchy of cultural valency, it’s significant that Steinberg

described himself as "a writer who draws". Having worked in newspapers for

the last 30 years, I’ve had it made very clear to me that the writing is always

more important than the drawings, even when I’ve answered back that one of

the oldest known drawings dates from least 40,000 years ago (it’s of a pig, on

a cave wall in Indonesia) but that writing is only 5,500, and is merely a by-

product of accountancy anyway.

Like most cartoonists, Steinberg worked in the No Man’s Land between text

and image. The standard cartoon connives at marrying the two in a chimera

made up of image and caption, the one often undermining the other. Truly

great cartoonists transmute into "art" in the extent to which they push the

conventions beyond breaking point; Searle and Steadman, for instance, did it

by consciously breaking lines and overdrawing, like George Grosz. Steinberg

did it by actually rendering text as drawing. In his 1960 collection "The

Labyrinth", just reissued by New York Review Books with a new introduction

by Nicholson Baker, time and again language becomes simply squiggles, or

words themselves are drawn almost architecturally as vast edifices dominating

landscapes.

Anthologised from both published and unpublished drawings and meticulous

ordered by Steinberg himself, the book commences with a horizontal line,

bisected initially by some geometry, and then providing a platform for one of

Steinberg’s trademark ragged crocodiles (on a trip to Kenya with Saul Bellow

Steinberg was nearly eaten by a crocodile). What we can then expect, turning

the page, is not knowing what on earth we can expect. As a writer who draws,

he might be about to wrangle this line into a letter and thereafter into writing;

or it might become a horizon, the surface of a reflecting lake, a washing line, a

collar, the edge of a room, a strand of a labyrinth exploding thereafter up and

down the page. But then you turn the page onto a procession of talking heads,

each producing vast, abstract yet Baroque talks bubbles.

Later on, there’s a double page spread riffing on newspaper comic strips,

reproducing the topography of a strip cartoon’s frames but filled with written

and pictorial gibberish. Then there are pages of window frames; later, some

breathtakingly sparse and almost agoraphobically enormous landscapes of Red

Square and other Soviet landmarks, and then there’s pages of society women

scribbled (it’s the only word that describes his technique) as rather prim,

winged harpies. Then cats. Then crocodiles. Then some random geometric

shapes and some more crocodiles.

Squiggle landscapes pre-echo "The View from 9th Avenue"; some drawings are exquisite; others are barely drawn at all. On one page he appears to

channelling Chagall; then Picasso; then, weirdly, the young Nicholas Bentley.

If Steinberg had reversed the process, and was a draughtsman who wrote and

this was text, I doubt much of it would make any sense at all. And it doesn’t

matter at all.

So, did that cavalcade of cultural bigwigs big up Steinberg because, with

typical elitist pretension, they were reading meaning where there was none?

Or, worse, in that specific mid- 20th century way, they archly teased meaning from the very fact of

meaninglessness? Again, it doesn’t matter, and after immersing myself in this

book, I think I finally know why. In short, Steinberg’s Art aspires towards the

Condition of the Doodle. Surrealism was built on the twin pillars of the

Subconscious and the Found Object and a consequent amazement at the

weirdness of the quotidian, a breathless wonder at what the hell the mundane

could ever mean. Snagging on him in his endless flight from the crashing

collapse into barbarism of European cosmopolitanism, Steinberg snuck

through Ellis Island teeming with the bacilli of the cultural responses to that

calamity, helping thereafter to define the unique Zeitgeist of post-war

Manhattan triumphalism. Like Ronald Searle, who reshaped the trauma he

suffered as a prisoner of the Japanese into the dark hilarity of the St Trinians

cartoons, Steinberg found redemption through cartoons of baffling and

indefinably disquieting whimsicality.

Which means this book defines its times, nearly 60 years ago, as precisely as a

tree ring. Though it’s its timelessness which makes it still worth looking at.

On Cartoons, published in the Times Literary Supplement by Rich Hobbs

In Beirut in March this year I witnessed one of the most truly joyous things

I’ve ever seen. Off Hamra, the main drag running deep into West Beirut, in a

bar run by a Communist Saudi hipster at around one in the morning, I watched

a bunch of young Arab comic creators dancing to another bunch of young

Arab comic creators singing The Clash’s "Rock The Casbah", in Arabic.

Earlier that evening, several of the singers and dancers had received prizes,

along with a handsome number of US dollars, at the third annual Mahmoud

Kahil Award for Comics, Illustration and Editorial Cartoons from across the

Arab World. I was there as I’d been on the jury judging the entrants last

September, when I’d had the chance to savour the enormous wealth of

cartooning talent from a region it’s easier and lazier, in the "West", to dismiss

as universally antithetical to the whole idea of cartoons.

One reason for the continuing valency of that cheap prejudice was personified,

tragically, by the recipient of the Mahmoud Kahil Lifetime Achievement

Award. Naji Al Ali was a Palestinian political cartoonist whose most famous

creation is Handala, a Palestinian refugee child, always drawn as seen from

behind and standing in mute witness to the unending unfolding horrors Al Ali

portrayed and satirised in his cartoons. Al Ali was assassinated in London, in

exile, in the summer of 1987. The fact that the identity of his murderers

remains unknown points not just to the foul intricacy of the hatreds cross-

hatching the Middle East, but also to the breadth of targets it seems he’d

offended so deeply that they felt they had no option except to kill him.

The global attention paid to the row about cartoons of the Prophet Mohamed

published in the Danish newspaper Jylands Posten 13 years ago, or the deadly

attack on the offices of the French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo in

January 2015 might fool you into thinking that this kind of response is unique

to Muslims and their allegedly heightened sensitivities. But it’s not just a

Muslim thing. It’s a human one.

It’s woven into the matrices of human power, its pomposity, its atrocities and

its built-in fragility when you dare to laugh at it. Worse, as a refinement of the

maelstrom of mockery, taunts, insults and traded aggression lying at the dark

heart of all humour, and particularly satire, cartoons’ capacity for triggering

offence and over-reaction is compounded by the simple fact of their visibility.

In effect, cartoons have less in common with either journalism or illustration,

in whose shadowy intersection they now tend to lurk, than with sympathetic

magic.

All art - artifice - results from humans’ need to wrangle perceived and

received reality into a manageable state by recreating it in what we now call

safe mode. But there’s something clearly transgressive about the way you

appear being filtered through someone else’s consciousness into a new

visualisation, made much worse when the original is distorted through

caricature to make other people laugh at your expense. That’s the real point:

the intended response to a visible cartoon is invisible, triggering a mocking

chortle from its unseen viewers ("readers"? "consumers"? Interestingly, there

isn’s a precise English word for what you do with a cartoon) or, just as likely,

a howl of fury that the cartoon has enabled the mockery.

Cartoons are just a small subset of all visual representation, which has been

treated with suspicion for millennia, from the smashers of graven images via

Savonarola to the heavily armed men who burst into Charlie Hebdo’s offices

and started gunning down cartoonists, and many others, with assault weapons

while shouting "God is Great!"

I don’t doubt that those men were genuinely offended by Charlie Hebdo’s

persistent cartoons mocking their prophet. I also, for the record, believe that

nothing is ever as offensive as killing someone else, though I may be in a

minority on that one. But Muslims are certainly in a minority in the capacity

of some members of their faith for allowing themselves to get so furiously

offended. And while generally the adherents of many faiths seem especially

fragile and sensitive on behalf of the omnipotent beings they worship, it’s

invariably secular power which reacts with greater ferocity, just as most

terrorism is carried out by states and not against them.

The Turkish cartoonist Musa Kart is currently on trial for the third time in

Istanbul, this time caught up in the general dragnet as part of the repression

following 2016's failed coup against Recep Tayyim Erdogan. Musa’s first

prosecution, and conviction, in 2005 was down to him drawing Erdogan as a

cat. (His second trial was abandoned after a group of international cartoonists

all drew Erdogan in the worst ways they could imagine and posted the results

on social media.) In the last twelve months alone cartoonists from Equatorial

Guinea, Malaysia, India, Iran, Spain and seeking asylum in Australia have

been imprisoned, fined or persecuted by their respective states for the high

crime of mocking the power or, allegedly, giving someone, somewhere the

gift of offence.

None of this, of course, is new. The Gestapo infamously drew up a list of

British cartoonists due for immediate summary execution following a

successful Nazi invasion of Britain. It included David Low, Leslie Illingworth

and even William Heath-Robinson. This was despite a friend of David Low’s

having visited Germany fifteen years earlier and met Hitler, who expressed his

huge admiration for Low’s cartoons (he may have mistaken Low’s satires on

democratic politicians as satirising Democracy itself). So Low sent Hitler a

piece of original artwork, personally inscribed "from one artist to another."

That, of course, was before the Gestapo drew up its hit list, but after Low had

spent years depicting Hitler and the rest of the Nazi leadership as "bloody

fools", to quote a Tory MP during a wartime debate on the effectiveness of

Allied propaganda, arguing that Low’s cartoons making Hitler look stupid

were worth all the official stuff put together.

120 years earlier and brooding in exile, Napoleon Bonaparte said the great

Regency cartoonist James Gillray’s caricatures of him did him more harm

than a dozen generals. In Gillray’s "The Plumb Pudding in Danger", more or

less the type specimen of a political cartoon in its interplay of bathos,

caricature, allegory, image and text, Bonaparte’s portrayed as a hyperactive

shortarse, fighting over a steaming pudding with a po-faced, beanpolish Pitt.

As a belittling, humiliating allegory for the vanity and vacuity of global

geopolitics reduced to a food fight, the image has never been bettered. That’s

why British cartoonists keep on stealing it.

Gillray also exemplifies the confused complexities of cartoonists’ relationship

with their victims. In Gillray’s case, these were often also his biggest

customers. In spite of always drawing the Whig leader Charles James Fox as a

spherically obese unshaven traitor forever whoring himself to Revolutionary

France, Fox was a regular and frequent patron of Hannah Humphrey’s print

shop in St James’, which had exclusive rights to sell Gillray’s works (and

exclusive rights on Gillray too: he spent his declining years, blind, drunk and

mad, in the attic, before dying allegedly by defenestrating himself a fortnight

before the Battle of Waterloo). Future Prime Minister George Canning went

further, getting his friends and agents ceaselessly to badger Gillray into

putting Canning in a print, just to show he was worthy of notice. Gillray

naturally refused, until he published a print in 1795, subtitled "The Wise

Men’s Offering", showing Fox, among others, kissing the infant Princess

Charlotte’s royal bottom. Gillray was arrested for Criminal Blasphemy - a

serious rap when merely stocking Paine’s "The Rights of Man" could get you

transported to Australia - but Canning got him off, got himself in a cartoon,

got Gillray to illustrate "The Anti-Jacobin", and Gillray got a government

pension. Which rolls up in a neat bundle the minefield of dangers and

betrayals awaiting any satirist.

Those dangers remain constant, and have done for centuries. The form

remains the same too, and is almost as stylised as Japanese No theatre: it’s

bathetic allegorical painting, intended to damage but flying under the False

Flag of Good Humour, which is by and large how most cartoonists just about

get away most of the time with what is essentially assassination without the

blood.

Nor is the current climate of hair-trigger offence-taking anything new. Back in

1958, a familiar kind of warped self-righteousness compelled a GP from

Harrow to write to the London Evening Standard complaining about a cartoon

attacking the death penalty by Vicky (a Jewish refugee from the Nazis) and

regretting that Vicky and his family had escaped the Holocaust. But however

offensive its outcome, taking offence has always been used as an aggressive

weapon. Moreover, it’s wielded in many ways, though often as often as not on

behalf of someone, or something, else. One reader objected to a cartoon I

drew in June 2016 of "Lone Wolves", after the murder of Jo Cox, for its

negative depiction of wolves and other canid species. Another, clearly anxious

keep the pressure up, denounced another cartoon of mine, hung on the 100th

anniversary of the start of the Battle of Passchendaele, as "the most offensive

cartoon of all time." Actually, it wasn’t even the most offensive cartoon that

afternoon.

Inevitably, social media - which seems more and more like humanity’s

external collective Id - acts as both an accelerant and amplifier in this Offence

culture. A few years ago, when the late Stephen Hawking was rushed into

Addenbrooke’s Hospital in Cambridge with pneumonia, Metro’s pocket

cartoonist Rick Brookes drew Hawking, slumped in his wheelchair, between a

doctor and nurse, one saying to the other, "Have we tried switching him off

and switching him back on again?" You could see the digital lynch mob,

transformed through the enzyme of offence into a swarm of vengeful furies,

start massing like a tropical storm to destroy poor Rick for his joke. Until, that

is, Hawking ruined everyone’s fun by buying the original artwork.

That’s just another example of the seething, twisting currents that flow round

what I do: ploys and counterploys, from getting the joke to disarm it, to not

getting the joke to destroy it, or just getting your own joke in first. Even self-

consciously and therefore supposedly unsatirisably ridiculous things like

Donald Trump or Boris Johnson to a large extent are just trying to ward off

the mockery by making you laugh with rather than at them. But an American

President who spends his early mornings whining on Twitter about how he’s

impersonated on Saturday Night Live is, believe me, not a man impervious to

mockery.

The point, always, is that satire in general and cartoons in particular exist

because we need them to, to contextualise the greater hideous, often horrific

absurdities of reality into a manageable and therefore controllable format

which then might also make us laugh and thus feel better. Consequently, all

announcements of the death of Satire - after 9/11, after the death of Diana,

after Henry Kissinger won the Nobel Peace Prize - are always premature and

always will be. I happen to think that’s also true of newspapers, but even if the

main medium through which cartoons are currently consumed finally succeeds

in blowing out what’s left of its brains, since daily political cartoons only

began appearing in British newspapers in 1900, like any sensible parasite

we’ll simply jump off our dead host and find another one. Whether that will

be online, or selling individual prints like Gillray and the rest of them did for a

century and a half, or far in the future, magically inhabiting your dreams, we’ll

eventually find out.

Back in Beirut, I was talking to Sherif Arafa, the Egyptian winner of the

Editorial Cartoonist category at the Mahmoud Kahil awards. Among his

submitted work is one of the best cartoons I’ve seen for a long time, perfectly

fulfilling the purpose of the medium. It depicted two visions of the Middle

East as jigsaw puzzles, one urban with small, fiddly, complicated pieces, the

other the desert, made up of big, clunking chunks. A member of Isis is

furiously trying to fit one of the big pieces into small gaps left in the jigsaw of

the city. And it’s perfect. It reprises terrifying events as both risible and yet

instantly explicable. It also made me laugh, for a compost of reasons far far

too complex easily to delve into. Though a lot of it, I suspect, is about

wresting back control and therefore sense from the people and forces who, in

their different ways, eternally seek to enslave and immiserate us. That’s why

we have jokes. Anyway, I asked Sherif what the climate was like now for

cartoonists in Egypt, but he told me he’d left the country while Mubarak was

still in power and moved to the Emirates. "It’s great there," he told me. "I can

draw whatever I like about anyone." I asked him if that included cartoons

about the various absolute monarchs who rule the UAE. We exchanged

eyebrow-

wagging satirical glances, and then we laughed and laughed and laughed.

Book Review of Elizabeth Einberg’s "William Hogarth: A Complete Catalogue of the Paintings", published in Apollo Magazine by Rich Hobbs

Ten years ago I went to the private view of what I reckon must be the worst

major exhibition I’ve seen. This wasn’t the artist’s fault - he’d already been

dead nearly two and a half centuries by then - and nor was Tate Britain’s 2007

Hogarth show anything less than a comprehensive and scholarly exploration

of work by an artist I also happen to revere. The problem lay in one of those

traps museums and galleries are eternally prey to: a Reverence for The

Artefact at the expense of the Art Itself.

Because of a persistent need for authenticity, the Tate’s curators clearly felt

obliged to acquire contemporaneous copies of Hogarth’s prints. This makes

partial sense, because the prints make up the most accessible part of his output

for most people for most of the last 270 years or so. But they’re also,

obviously, reproductions. So whatever mysterious (yet clearly quantifiable)

potency an original "Artistic" artefact might usually generate doesn’t truly

apply with prints, because the "original" is a sheet of copper, never intended as

anything other than a medium of reproduction. Hogarth understood this

completely, which is why he made prints of his paintings in the first place, to

reach as wide an audience as possible so he could expand the potential market

for his work.

Galleries and museums are, by definition, all about the Sanctity of the

Artefact, but even so it really shouldn’t matter how a reproduction is thereafter

reproduced. The Tate could - and probably should - have projected Beer Street

across the Thames onto the front of the MI5 building or onto the moon,

covered whole walls with blown up reproductions of Industry and Idleness or

The Stages of Cruelty, or even had the gift shop located in a life-size

recreation of Gin Lane, upping the revenue yet further once the punters really

got stuck in to the souvenir hooch.

But because of their Reverence for The Artefact the Tate hung Gin Lane and

all of Hogarth’s other iconic prints on the gallery’s tall, looming walls in

something close to total darkness. This, of course, was to protect the fragility

of the paper they were printed on, which had itself been sacramentally

touched by Hogarth’s own hand. Though I seriously doubt this would have

made much difference in practice anyone new to Hogarth who hadn’t forked

out for the audio-guide. They, I suspect, would have walked through the murk

straight past some of Hogarth’s most important and defining work in all its ill-

lit littleness into the next, brightly lit gallery, where covering a whole wall

they’d have been confronted by "Moses Brought Before Pharaoh’s Daughter".

And many visitors may easily have come away imagining that size and

position signify something, and that Hogarth’s work is exemplified by a

painting like "Moses Brought Before Pharaoh’s Daughter". Which, for the

record, is one of the worst paintings by a major artist I can think of. And I’m

sticking to that opinion despite what I’ve now learned from Elizabeth

Einberg’s monumental study "William Hogarth: A Complete Catalogue of the

Paintings", that the painting was produced and donated to The Foundling

Hospital as an act of charity by Hogarth. However Good or Great he was

being, the picture still stinks.

I am, I admit, biased. For cartoonists like me, Hogarth is the grandfather of

our profession: in elevating visual satire to the level of Art, he bequeathed us a

vision of the 18th century summed up in his own eponymous adjective. As

Robert Hughes wrote in "The Fatal Shore", describing the world from which

the first convict settlers of New South Wales were transported: "Modern

squalor is squalid but Georgian squalor is ‘Hogarthian’, an art form in itself."

Moreover, the new school of British Art Hogarth boasted he’d founded with

his "Modern Moral Tales", shot through as they were with narrative, polemic

and mockery, leads far more obviously to Gillray, Cruikshank and modern

political cartoons (the last redoubt, incidentally, of allegorical painting) than to

Constable or Reynolds. Given that so much of it was also printed, specifically

to reach as wide an audience as possible circulating his polemical point,

Hogarth might more truly belong in the realm of journalism than that of "Art".

Thus the dilemma between Art and Artefact I outlined above is compounded

by Hogarth encapsulating the conflict between Artist and Artisan. In a way,

most of his career was taken up squaring that particular circle, starting as

apprentice to a jobbing engraver and finishing up as Serjeant-Painter to the

King (having previously eloped with the daughter of the previous Serjeant-

Painter). To complicate matters even further, his various plaited careers -

engraver, printmaker, painter, society portraitist, piss-taker, ruthless

businessman, satirist - means different - and rival - constituencies can all

claim Hogarth as their own, and in different ways. So, while I choose to salute

Hogarth the visual journalist, rolling around in the gutter with the rest of us

laughing his head off at the follies of his times, for art historians like Einberg

Hogarth’s proper place is in the Petrie dish of intense scholarly study.

To give her her due, I doubt a better book on the subject will be needed. It’s

also a pleasure to read. Hogarth’s business model of producing paintings

which he’d then reproduce to sell on as prints occasionally tempts one into

neglecting the original. So I was pleased to get reacquainted with the simple

beauty of the paintings of "The Four Times of Day", on top of all their low

slapstick of emptying chamber pots and squashed cats. It’s in the details of

these paintings, like with the small clump of flowers in the foreground of

"Chairing The Members" from "The Humours of an Election", that Einberg

helps remind us what wonders, albeit idiosyncratically, Hogarth could work

with paint.

Einberg’s also good on the fate of paintings where all that’s left are the prints.

For example, the paintings of "A Harlot’s Progress", Hogarth’s debut Modern

Moral Tale and his first great commercial success, were destroyed in a fire at

William Beckford’s Palladian mansion at Fonthill in February 1755. Einberg

notes that Hogarth himself was "more taken with reports that [Fonthill’s]

magnificent clockwork organ, set off by the heat, played ‘pleasing airs’

throughout the conflagration", which perfectly captures Hogarth’s

"Hogarthianness", his brand of 18th century whimsy he shared with Swift and

Sterne - both of whom he illustrated. The paintings of "The Rake’s Progress"

were saved from the same fire.

I also discovered parts of Hogarth’s output that had previously eluded me, like

the blasphemous "Sir Francis Dashwood at his Devotions", privately

commissioned (presumably as a gag - yet more Enlightenment whimsy) by

one of Dashwood’s friends. Einberg dates the painting much earlier than

hitherto through some meticulous and rather dazzling scholarship.

Dashwood, for his part, was a member of the notorious Monks of

Medmenham who performed jokey black masses in the Hellfire Caves,

including during Dashwood’s time as Chancellor of the Exchequer. Another

of the Medmenham Monks was the radical journalist John Wilkes, subject of

one of Hogarth’s most commercially successful prints and, through his agents,

Hogarth’s final nemesis when the whole world Hogarth had previously

satirised seemed to turn on him, more or less hounding him to his death. But

as there was no accompanying original painting, you won’t see that image in

Einberg’s book. Nor will you find "Gin Lane" or "Industry and Idleness" or

"The Stages of Cruelty". Nor, for the same reason, does she include "The

Pathos" his terrible, terrifying final image of entropy, collapse and failure.

This is hardly Einberg’s fault. She’s done what she set out to do, and done it

brilliantly. But the cartoonist in me can’t help feeling that this leaves Hogarth

only half done. For sure, you’ll get his Hogarthian spirit in spades in

"Marriage a la Mode" or "The Rake’s Progress" or "The Humours of an

Election". But you also get far more intensely dull portraits of men in wigs

than I ever dared imagine Hogarth had the time or avarice to paint. And once

more we’re back with the Tate problem: these paintings may be Hogarth but

they’re not truly "Hogarthian"; not, as it were, the whole hog.

That said, in presenting us with his entire oeuvre in paint Einberg helps pin

down Hogarth more precisely than she may have intended to. As well as being

both Artist and Artisan, he was also clearly quite often something of a hack,

just like me. It’s another badge I suspect Hogarth, counting the swag, would

have worn with quiet pride.