BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!
Because it’s changed
BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!
Because it’s changed its font or something
BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!
Because I wouldn’t read that stinking fascist rag in a hundred billion years and why would you want to be anything except just like me?
BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!
Because it’s just there on the side so it’s easier than having to look for something else to boycott. That make sense?
BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!
Because otherwise it’ll only be boycotted by Tories and non-Guardian readers and THEN how do you think you’re going to feel?
BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!
Because everyone in the World immediately does exactly what it tells them to so sinister and fiendish are the ways of the Main Stream Media!
BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!
Because I once saw it for sale in a newsagents literally in the same street as a steak house where, and this is literally true, they had SERF & TERF on the menu, and I’m not even making this up!
BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!
Because if you read it backwards it says Vote Tory Kill Foxes and they pretend it doesn’t!
BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!
Because it reviews restaurants and is therefore dripping with privilege!
BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!
Because my principles and opinions will be more than adequately reflected and amplified by The Daily Telegraph, The Tatler and Horse and Hound thank you very much I’m sure they will
BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!
Because secretly we all want Owen Jones to starve
BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!
Because I’m SO ANGRY I’m going to burn my bloody house down and I’ll start it with this copy of The Guardian and then The Guardian will be a murderer and an arsonist AS WELL!
BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!
Because somebody has to
BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!
Because they won’t let you say anything these days!
BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!
Because the guinea fowl crossed the boulevard to eat some quinoa la-de-fucking-da!
BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!
Because it didn’t say anything nice about my new shoes
BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!
Because it didn’t thank me for the postal order I sent it for its birthday
BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!
Because it wasn’t there to hold the hair out of my eyes that time I threw up on the pavement outside the mobile library the morning after that session with the sambuca and benylin shots, remember?
BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!
Because that cartoon of Jeremy’s hat is directly responsible for the existence of food banks in this country!
BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!
Because it stopped a Labour Government being elected by literally sending Polly Toynbee and Jonathan Freedland to block up all the ballot boxes and blow up all the polling stations and chop off all the little orphans’ voting hands for fuck’s sake!
BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!
Because they stopped Jeremy turning it into nutritious gluten free vegan veal to feed the 5000, the Tory pigs
BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!
Because it’s a deadly danger to everyone in the vicinity. Run for your lives!
BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!
Because it’s such a load of liberal rubbish they’ll make you wear masks made out of it but it’ll be too wishy-washy and rubbish and you’ll die of Covid as a direct consequence because it forced everyone to vote for this Tory Government at gun point, the rubbish guns made out of recycled sandals and the bullets made of lentils, right?
BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!
Because if you don’t they’ll compel you to get all the other things you don’t want and before you know it you won’t be able to move for pre-fab abattoirs and gaggles of Canada geese and life-size blow-up dolls of Dominic Raab!
BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!
Because basically it’s just the Daily Mail translated into French and then translated back again, badly
BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!
Because how are ordinary decent people who are forced to read The Guardian like in that scene from A Clockwork Orange meant to find the ingredients for a Yotam Ottolenghi Tuscan quiche? Well? You fucking genocidal bastards!
BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!
Because to be brutally frank it’s not the paper it was when I first started telling you to
BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!
BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!
BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!
Because if you rearrange the letters in its masthead and change a few of them, you’ll find it spells “HITLER”.
BOYCOTT THE GUARDIAN!